Help! My Teen Stopped Talking to Me!

posted on Child Mind

So, your once chatty teen has suddenly clammed up. No parent enjoys getting the silent treatment from their kid, especially when you feel like you’ve enjoyed a close relationship and nothing has changed on your end. The first thing to do is to take a breath and understand that pulling away from parents is not only normal but also a necessarydevelopmental stage ofadolescence. Navigating this transition toward independence is difficult and as much as kids hate to admit it (and probably won’t), children still need parents to stay connected and involved in their lives.

Teens need their own space but they also need their parents. In fact, most teens say they want to be closer to their parents but don’t know how to do that. So while your kid is doing the work of separating, you need to do the work of carefully bridging the gap. Start by meeting them where they are.

Whether or not you have cause for concern really depends on the extent to which your kid has stopped talking. Let’s look at three possible scenarios:

They told you everything and now, suddenly, they’ve shut you out and only share their private thoughts with friends.

In this case, you have very little to worry about. And painful as it may be, you have to try not to take your child’s choice personally. They’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

What to do:

• Don’t lecture your child or tell them how hurt you feel.
• Try to have positive interactions with them.
• Engage them in activities you’ve enjoyed doing together.
• Sit down to meals with them.
• Don’t pump them for information. Instead, open up and share something funny or interesting about your own life. If you open up, they’re more likely to do the same.
• Talk to them like an adult with respect and make it clear that you value their opinions and expect respect in return.

They spend as little time with you as possible and seem to reserve all their enthusiasm for their friends.

Though it may be maddening and you might be tempted to punish this kind of behavior, know that it still falls well within the range of normal teenage development. Focusing on peer relationships helps kids learn to be less dependent on parents—a necessary step to becoming happy, independent adults. That said, it’s still your job to insist on respect and to keep your child safe.

What to do:

• Set appropriate limits, but focus on strengthening your relationship, too. You’ll get no respect if your child doesn’t feel connected to you.
• Resist the urge to lecture. If you can do that, they won’t need to push you away in order to become themselves.
• Remember that teenagers can be emotional. Look for the distress under the disrespect, and remind them of who they really are. By saying something like, “I know you’re upset but aren’t normally unkind,”you can create the beginning of a conversation.