Parenting the Couple (of Special Needs Children)

Posted on September 22, 2011March 9, 2020

Parenting is a full-time job. Parenting a child with special needs is a family affair. In some families, one parent accepts the child’s diagnosis or disability and is able to grieve and embrace the child that is rather than the child that was hoped for and dreamed about. The other parent may not. In other families, one parent becomes the breadwinner and the other becomes the caregiver. This can lend itself to one parent who does the research and seeks the academic and therapeutic services needed while the other may become overwhelmed by the disability and shuts down or invests him/herself into work.. Sometimes, for survival purposes, one parent earns the income while the other handles ALL of the family’s needs. Over time, one parent may become exhausted and resentful for being the primary caregiver and handler of the special needs. This can cause a rift between the couple in which the relationship that led to building a family becomes weakened and decayed.

Ultimately, you are a couple and it is being a couple that allowed you to become parents. Parenting is an emotional process through which you grow and develop as your children grow and develop. Know that parents are not born, they are made based on your own personal childhood experiences, your values, and the values you hope to instill in your child/children.

Phase 1 – Reconnect as a couple. That means taking time to talk and spend time together away from your child or children. As difficult as it may be, schedule 1-2 hours per week for couple time. You choose the bonding activity (e.g., a walk, coffee, dinner) together and do it. Schedule your couple time and hold to it as you would a medical or therapy appointment.

Phase 2 – Seek couples counseling if you are unable to process your thoughts and feelings about parenting your child without a facilitator. This will allow both of you to gain each other’s perspective in your journey as parents and to begin to align our parenting style. This will also help to create an alliance between the two of you, and you can begin to find support and respite in each other on a daily basis. In other words, you both parent together.

Phase 3 – Practice, practice, practice communicating and parenting as a team. Recognize each other’s communicating and parenting style and respect it. Plan ahead – create a plan of how you will handle disagreements in parenting in the moment. For example, you may establish a signal or state, “Can I talk to you in private, please?” This becomes your code phrase that signals the other that you will not discuss the details in front of your child/children. This helps to create a unified front for your child/children and there is no undermining or over-ruling in parenting.

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- Anonymous

"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"

- Anonymous

"Thank you, Dr. Liz. Although we have told you countless times, it will never feel enough. You have listened when J could barely speak and continued to listen when he was sad, angry and confused. You've challenged him and directed us in our roles as parents. You've helped J face his fears while the list evolved and changed, and yet you've stayed committed to 'the course.' We pray that your children realize that time away from them is spent helping children learn and that vulnerability is a sign of strength and bravery."

- June I

"My son was admitted to an Ivy League school when only 2 years ago, you assessed him and saw his struggles, his Dyslexia. We are grateful that he no longer has to carry that deep feeling of inadequacy or shame that must have kept him so self conscious and from reaching his potential. He has the PERFECT program for him. He has A's in high math and economics. He became a Merit Scholar, a Boys State legislature, the HEAD captain of the football team and help a job ALL while studying and managing his classes and disability. I am PROUD of you, a young doctor, who knows and sees the vulnerability of children and helps them recognize "it's NO big deal" God bless."

- Anonymous

Parenting the Couple (of Special Needs Children)

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