Summer Daze with a Side of Adolescent Skill Building

​As we wrap up another school year, I bask in glory of summer with relaxation and fun. As a mother of four, we just celebrated my oldest son’s major milestone of 8th grade graduation. High school, here we come!

As the madness of the spring is starting to quiet down, I find I have been sitting with a series of questions lately. As parents, our goal is to teach our children skills so they can navigate into adulthood with confidence. The question I ask myself often is how, in this journey of childhood to adulthood, am I going to find balance of teaching my children responsibility and equip them as they mature? 

With the pressures of school and sports, I tend to ask very little of responsibilities on the home-front. I want to nurture and take care of my kids but am I, at the same time, becoming a hinderance for my children? 

I know I am not the only mom who is mindful of trying to find the balance of giving my children a childhood, but also building up their skills, their resources, their abilities as they approach into adulthood.  These are not easy questions to answer and this balance is not easy to find either.

Recently, I was recommended this book by a great local special education teacher, “How to Raise An Adult” by Julie Lythcott- Haims. The author challenges parents to empower children for adulthood. Working at college admissions, she began to see the detrimental effect of helicopter parenting leaving college age students still needing their parents to navigate the world. The “we” unit of a child and parent had not separated, and she found that college-aged adults did not know how to handle the multiple demands and responsibilities of living in a dorm, going to class, managing time, while also building new relationships with professors and peers.

When our children are born, they need the “we” to survive. As we know, babies are completely dependent on us and we anticipate and translate their sounds and facial expressions to needs, and we satisfy them. Over time, and perhaps as much as we don’t want our kids to separate from us too much, it is our job to give our children permission to explore and separate. Our goal is to help our children develop language to communicate their needs, their feelings so that we don’t have to guess.

Isn’t it our job to slowly shift and increase their independence and competence through different developmental stages?

So with a high school aged young man in my house, I have to think of my part…
  • Where will I fade what I do for him?
  • Where can I encourage self-sufficiency?
  • Where can I encourage self-advocacy?

I also know you can’t re-vamp your entire system at once. In my family, we will be taking baby steps to allow my kids to better more confident and become more self -sufficient. We are revamping our chores and opening checking accounts with debit cards. The “mommy bank” will become a tougher place to get “free money!”

Happy Summer and I wish you balance in coaching your children of basking in the joy of childhood yet taking this time to teach them skills needed for adulthood!

Image from: Families for Life

by Michelle Molle-Krowiak, LCSW, Ed.S.
"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"
- Julie C.
"Dr. Matheis has a remarkable ability to understand the unique needs of her patients and address them constructively. She builds strong, meaningful relationships with patients and their families, encouraging trust and collaboration. When working with my son who struggles with autism-related anxiety, she created an environment in which he was able to calm down and open up to her in ways I had not seen before. She was able to reach him and helped him work through his crisis/problem. Most importantly, she empowered him to move forward."
- N.L.
"Dr. Matheis is amazing. She has tremendous resources and loads of energy. She is not willing to accept anything less than the most effective results for her clients. She made me feel as if my son was her top priority throughout the entire process. I would, without reservation, give her my highest recommendations.  Thank you, Dr. Matheis!"
- Anonymous
"Dr. Matheis has an amazing ability to read kids and connect with them. She has been an invaluable resource for our family over the past several years and has helped us with everything from educational consulting, to uncovering diagnoses as well as family therapy. Working with Dr. Matheis never feels clinical and most importantly, our children love and trust her. We can not thank you enough Dr. Liz!"
- Anonymous
"My teenage son had been seeing Dr. Matheis through his senior year of high school, as he was only diagnosed with ADHD at 16 years old.  Dr. Matheis came highly recommended from our pediatrician and she has done wonders for our son as well as our family, navigating new ways for him to deal with his diagnosis without the use of medication.  She taught him ways to organize himself and even when something did not work for him, she patiently continued teaching him new ways to keep himself on track.  She has also helped us as parents to understand how his mind works so that we did not continue to blame his lack of focus on him, rather on his unique way of thinking.  Thank you Dr. Matheis!!!!"
- LG
"Dr. Liz is the best! Our family was directed to her by our Pediatrician to assist with figuring out severe mood changes, severe anxiety, strange new fears and food aversion that had come onto one of our children literally overnight. After just a couple of visits, she suggested that the issues may actually be rooted in a physical issue and suggested we immediately take our child to be swabbed for strep, because Dr. Liz suspected PANDAS (a pediatric autoimmune disorder brought on by strep). The same Pediatrician that suggested Dr. Liz would not do the swab (they do not believe in PANDAS and we no longer go there) but I took my child to my doctor who did the swab and it was positive for strep. When our child went on antibiotics, within 24 hours all symptoms went away and our child was back :-) Dr. Liz then recommended a PANDAS specialist who helped us and our child is in complete remission and is happy and healthy. We are incredibly grateful to Dr. Liz for her knowledge of all things, even the most remote and unusual and for helping us so much! Thank you!"
- Anonymous
"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"
- Anonymous
"Thank you, Dr. Liz. Although we have told you countless times, it will never feel enough. You have listened when J could barely speak and continued to listen when he was sad, angry and confused. You've challenged him and directed us in our roles as parents. You've helped J face his fears while the list evolved and changed, and yet you've stayed committed to 'the course.' We pray that your children realize that time away from them is spent helping children learn and that vulnerability is a sign of strength and bravery."
- June I
"My son was admitted to an Ivy League school when only 2 years ago, you assessed him and saw his struggles, his Dyslexia. We are grateful that he no longer has to carry that deep feeling of inadequacy or shame that must have kept him so self conscious and from reaching his potential. He has the PERFECT program for him. He has A's in high math and economics. He became a Merit Scholar, a Boys State legislature, the HEAD captain of the football team and help a job ALL while studying and managing his classes and disability. I am PROUD of you, a young doctor, who knows and sees the vulnerability of children and helps them recognize "it's NO big deal" God bless."
- Anonymous

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513 W Mt Pleasant Ave, Ste 212,
​Livingston, NJ 07039