Tantrums: They’re not Just for Kids

written by Dr. Liz Nissim, posted on Psychology Today

Let’s talk about meltdowns and temper tantrums. Arms flailing, feet stomping, the full body drop-to-the-ground moment. For toddlers, the image is all too familiar. For those of us who have older children, we take a sigh. But are tantrums just for toddlers? No, they aren’t. The tantrum meltdown isn’t just for kids. It’s also an experience many teens, young adults, and adults experience on the regular. They just look a little different now. Let me explain.

If you have a child in elementary, middle, or even high school, you’re still seeing meltdowns. They’ve upgraded from floor-kicking to eye-rolling, door-closing, and “I can’t even” vibes. But the root cause? Pretty much the same. At any age, meltdowns happen when our goals or intentions get blocked, and we can’t find the words to explain what we want or what feels wrong. And honestly? Adults do this, too. Sure, we might not flop on the floor, but mentally, we are thrashing, but only with words or facial expressions instead.

What can we do when our kids, teens, or young adults hit that figurative wall because of emotional, physical, or social overwhelm?

For Elementary Kids: Connect First, Fix Later

For younger children, their meltdowns can be redirected. Don’t join the tone, the volume, or the intensity. In fact, you want to “see-saw” your emotions and your response to your child’s. That is, if your child is loud and angry and speaking quickly or unkindly, you are peaking quietly, slowly, and with kindness in your tone. In fact, stop what you’re doing, kneel down to their level, gently place your hands on their shoulders, and look them in the eyes. You can say phrases such as:

• You’re upset.
• This is a lot right now.
• This is hard.
• You’re frustrated right now.
• You’re scared right now.

Acknowledging and giving a name to the emotions for your child is important. The physical contact allows for connection and regulation. See-sawing their reaction gives them the signal that it’s OK and they’re safe because you, the adult in the room or the parent, aren’t reacting in the same way. Remember, something about the situation seems hard and impossible, and your child became scared or angry, or overwhelmed. Your goal is not to escalate but rather to de-escalate.