The 5 Best Responses to Subtle Put-Downs
written by Dr. Robert N. Kraft, posted on Psychology Today
If we feel bad after talking to a particular person and can’t figure out why, chances are we’ve been subtly put down.
Put-downs are brief remarks that belittle us by insulting our personal worthiness and diminishing our social status. They can be more pernicious than direct insults because their seriousness is more difficult to assess.
If someone says, “You’re an idiot,” that can sting, but it also stands out, spotlighting both the comment and the person who said it. However, if we are asked, “Are you sure you received an invitation?” then our social standing is questioned, and our honesty is questioned as well—without direct mention of either.
Psychotherapist Erin Leonard points out that subtle put-downs are often made in casual conversation, catching us off guard. We then need to pause and consider how to respond. Moreover, if we perceive part of a put-down as accurate, we may inflate this partial accuracy and validate the entire comment, including unsupported implications.
What kinds of verbal attacks show up in conversation, and how should we respond to them?
Types of Subtle Put-Downs
The Hidden Insult. Sometimes, insults are hidden in the underlying meaning of a comment and are not directly stated. “Even you could pass that course” has two major, unstated presuppositions: The course is easy, and you’re not a good student. The first is a flat judgment, and the second is potentially insulting.
This way, we can be insulted without the put-down being directly voiced.
Undesirable Implications About Our Social Life. Suppose an acquaintance reveals information about a mutual friend and then says, “I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.” Or that acquaintance describes a dinner gathering we weren’t part of. Or maybe we take an out-of-town visitor to our favorite local places, and the visitor says, “Too bad we didn’t see anyone you know.” These are all indirect attacks on our interpersonal lives, implying that we don’t have the dependable network of relationships we should have.
Insults Disguised as Compliments or Caring. Most of us have received compliments with an edge of implied insult. “That haircut makes your nose look smaller.” “I envy how comfortable you are leaving dishes in the sink.” “It’s great that you aren’t vain.” “You’re so attractive when you smile.”