Why Emotional Attunement Is So Important, and So Healing

written by Jonice Webb Ph.D. ,posted on Psychology Today

I recently attended a dinner party at my friend’s house. I walked inside right on time and immediately noticed toys scattered about the living room. My friend’s children were running around mischievously, and my friend was frantically trying to put food in the oven. She barely acknowledged my arrival as I entered the kitchen.

“Just put your coat in the closet and go to the dining room!” my friend yelled over the din. She was clearly overwhelmed and had an irritated tone that instantly made me feel as though I was imposing.

Despite the cold greeting, I noticed what was going on around me: Her babysitter must have bailed, and she was in over her head attempting to host a party while taking care of her children.

So, I walked over to my friend and made eye contact. “Don’t worry. We’ve got this,” I said with my hand on her arm.

A wave of relief washed over my friend’s face. Her annoyance had been replaced with calm.

This example demonstrates the power of emotional attunement—being aware of and empathizing with someone’s feelings and emotional needs. If I wasn’t emotionally attuned to my friend in this example, I might have easily felt unwelcome and uncomfortable, with my friend still frazzled. But when you see what someone is feeling and feel their feeling with them, even if for just one fleeting moment, the other person instantly feels validated and supported.

Sometimes emotions can overtake us. When you’re feeling stressed, hurt, sad, grief-stricken, or anxious, it’s easy to let these emotions take the driver’s seat. And while learning to regulate your own emotions is important, there’s something others can do for you to help you feel a bit more grounded: emotional attunement.

What Makes Emotional Attunement Hard?

It mostly depends on how you grew up. To comfortably give people emotional attunement in adulthood, you will benefit greatly from growing up in a household that provides it to you. Legions of good people who grew up in homes that gave them a shortage of emotional attunement—which is emotional neglect—struggle greatly with it as adults.

When a child experiences attunement from a parent, they feel seen. They feel deeply acknowledged, accepted, and known, and they get some relief from the intense emotion they’re experiencing. Suddenly, what they were feeling alone with is shared. This almost-magical moment gives them the message that their feelings make sense and are important and valid. It’s key for children to receive enough of these experiences from their parents so that it “clicks” for them how much better emotional attunement makes them feel in difficult moments.

Then, it will click for them how emotional attunement helps and how to do it. Then, it will be much easier for them to automatically provide it years later to people like their spouse, their colleagues, or their friends.