“Gentle parenting gives our kids a sense of democracy and control of their lives, even if parents are ultimately making the best and safest decisions for their kids. I think a lot of us who are parents grew up in a time where we were anxious and we didn’t even realize it because there was a lot of pressures put on us by parents, teachers, coaches, etc. I think we are learning to gear towards ‘doing your best, even if you only have a little bit to give!'” John Champion LPC
Ask any parent about their secret to raising good kids and they’ll tell you a million stories that can all be summed up in one takeaway: No one has it exactly all figured out. Parenting styles that work for one family might not work for another. Plus, coming up in our parents’ shadows can present its own set of challenges that make us wonder if we’re raising our kids the right way.
But the more we understand about early childhood and adolescent development, psychologists and pediatric healthcare professionals agree that a gentle parenting or positive parenting approach to raising kids is one of the most beneficial parenting strategies. It not only positively impacts your child’s mental and emotional health, but it could also have lasting, long-term effects on the relationship you’re building with them.
Pediatrician Karen Estrella, MD, explains how gentle parenting is different from more traditional parenting styles and how it could positively impact your child’s future.
What is the gentle parenting style?
The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries. This parenting style focuses largely on age-appropriate development.
Traditional parenting styles focus on punishment and reward. When your child does something good or shows good behavior, you reward them with fun activities, treats and positive feedback. If your child does something bad, though, they might get put in timeout, for example, or you might spank them (a decision doctors say you shouldn’t do).
Instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving a child’s self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior.
“The idea is to be more like a coach for your kid rather than a punisher,” says Dr. Estrella.
For example, let’s say you’re getting ready to head out the door for work. You have to drop your child off at school or daycare on the way, but they’re throwing a temper tantrum. You’re worried you might be late to work and your patience is wearing thin.
In this scenario, a traditional parenting style might inspire you to scold them. “Stop acting childish and put on your shoes,” you might yell. “You’re acting ridiculous and you’re making me late for work! Wait until we get back home.”
Notice in this example that there’s a lot of negative connotation happening. You’re focused on your child’s action and on the frustration it’s causing you. By yelling, you’re instilling a sense of fear in your kid, and now you both feel anxious or angry. Your child’s behavior may stop because they’ll recognize you as an authority figure; however, their behavior is likely to happen again.
“Kids don’t always understand that what they’re doing is wrong. They just stop their behavior because they’re afraid,” explains Dr. Estrella. “They don’t really understand why they should stop that behavior unless you explain why.”
A gentle approach would be to stay calm and firm ahead of time before leaving the house to set expectations. Instead of yelling or starting with the negative, you might take a pause and meet your child where they’re at. Maybe you get down to eye-level, and say calmly, “I’m going to drop you off at school and then I’m going to work. We need to leave on time. I expect you to be ready with your shoes on at the door when I’m ready to leave. If you’re not ready, then we’ll both be late and I will feel angry. If I get angry, you will lose privileges.”
Another approach would be to say, “When you don’t get ready on time, it hurts my feelings and makes me anxious. Why are you having a hard time?”
When you approach the situation in this way, you’re exhibiting empathy and respect for how your child is feeling, and you’re giving them a chance to process their own behavior and hold themselves accountable. By remaining calm, you’re also giving your child the space to recognize how you respond to conflict and giving them the opportunity to turn their behavior around. An important part of this strategy, then, is setting up expectations in advance, planning on how to respond if your child exhibits negative behavior and the ways you can handle it peacefully.
“Gentle parenting is about taking a pause as a parent and, instead of yelling or screaming, you’re trying to help your kids understand what is happening,” notes Dr. Estrella. “In practice, it sounds good, but it can be challenging for parents because when conflict happens, you’re angry and you want to respond right away.”
