Parenting
Parenting Isn’t a One-Size-Fits-All Job
Parenting Isn’t a One-Size-Fits-All Job
written by Dr. Elizabeth Nissim, posted on Psychology Today
Let’s be clear: Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all journey or job. There is no manual and there are no clear-cut or universal guidelines that help us navigate the many different developmental phases of each of our children and the unique temperaments and personalities that they bring into the world with them. As parents, we assess and understand each of our children’s needs and adapt our parenting to that one unique child. What this means is that parenting may not appear or feel “equal” to our children.
All Children Are Created Differently
Even though our children may come from the same gene pool, they can also be different from each other. While one child may be able to handle criticism and manage social dynamics with ease, another child may perceive social cues as rejection and exclusion. With that said, each child will benefit from a different parenting approach. Whereas one child benefits from strictly laid guidelines and expectations with clearly delineated consequences, the other may become highly self-derogatory and self-sabotaging if the same approach is used.
What Is My Child’s Temperament?
Each of our children has their own quirks, preferences, and tolerances. These inborn preferences impact their perceptions, interactions, and reactions. A longitudinal study completed in 1959 by psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess identified three temperamental styles:
- Easy: This temperament style is characterized by a more laid-back approach and response to the world. A child with an easy temperament is generally more adaptable and cheerful and follows consistent routines.
- Slow-to-Warm-Up: Children with a slow-to-warm-up temperament need time to adjust to new situations by watching and sitting back for a period of time (e.g., at a birthday party). This is not the child who is going to jump into a social gathering or an activity but will rather need to watch the interactions for a bit before joining.
- Difficult: This temperament is characterized by intensity, sensitivity, a low frustration tolerance, and a greater tendency for emotional dysregulation or strong emotional reactions. Parenting children with this type of temperament requires a higher level of consistency, empathy, and creative problem-solving to address their strong-willed nature.
How Should I Parent My Child Based on Temperament?
Once you have a sense of the temperament style of each of your children, certain approaches to parenting will create more effective interactions and teaching moments.
For the easy-going child, you may wish to:
- Provide clear expectations for them within your home, at school, etc.
- Maintain consistency in your communication and standards.
- Offer challenges and raise the bar for your child to help build motivation and realistic personally set standards for achievement (in any domain).
For the slow-to-warm-up child, you may wish to:
- Have the mental framework that they will need time to adjust to a new environment, routine, or expectations.
- Allow them time and space to move and function at his/her own pace.
- Create a secure and predictable environment to build confidence gradually.
- Practice patience and gentle encouragement, and expect that change will require a gradual approach.
For the difficult child, you may wish to:
- Set firm and loving boundaries.
- Listen actively.
- Validate your child’s emotional experiences.
- Guide gently toward functional and positive behaviors.
- Be consistent, flexible, and empathetic.
Parenting is the Hardest Job I’ve Ever Had
Parenting is the Hardest Job I’ve Ever Had
written by Dr. Liz Nissim, posted on Psychology Today
Parenting is the best and the hardest job I’ve ever had. It’s a 24-7 job, even when your children are off to college or living independently. After the physical care is done and our children become more independent, the emotional care, coaching, and mentoring continue for a long time. The emotional and mental toll is beyond exhausting, even without counting the physical toll. And yet, it is a journey we take where we are no longer the same people we were when we started this parenting gig.
Let’s examine why parenting is so tough, the struggles that come with it, and some ways to work through those tough parts.
The Many Emotions of Parenthood
From the moment we are deemed parents, the worry begins. How many parents worried, while in utero, that their child wasn’t moving enough, wasn’t large enough, or hadn’t formed all their body parts? Do you remember the panic that came with driving home with your first child from the hospital? And how about that first night at home with your infant, who made sounds that you didn’t understand? Do you remember how we counted the number of wet and dirty diapers and the number of ounces that our child consumed? Every milestone, every sniffle, every injury was felt on a deep level.
Balancing the strong emotions that come with having a little (or big) human roam the earth with the potential for hurt (physical or emotional) is a constant battle. One moment, you’re filled with pride as your child takes their first step; the next, you’re sitting with the guilt of losing your cool or overreacting to your child.
Please give yourself grace and practice self-compassion. You are a human managing many parts of life while also trying to grow another human in the best way you know how. Find a trusted group of parents and share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings. Almost 100 percent of the time, you will find you are not alone, and you’ll find relief when another parent proclaims, “Thank goodness, I’m not alone in that! You too? Now I feel better.” If you’re struggling with a strong-willed child or feel unsure how to navigate certain issues, seek parent coaching with a therapist.
The To-Do List that Never Ends
When I think of the list of things we manage as parents daily, I get tired of enumerating—meals, laundry, schoolwork, birthday parties, play dates, extracurricular activities, and doctor’s appointments.
If you’re a working parent, the list of responsibilities is enormous and the time to complete them seems very small. This combination of “so much to do with so little time” can lead to burnout and a constant feeling of not doing enough or being enough.
21 Questions to Get Your Child to Open Up About School
21 Questions to Get Your Child to Open Up About School
by Attitude Editors, posted on Attitude Magazine
Kids don’t like to share their thoughts and feelings about school, especially if they have had a rough day. Unfortunately, many children diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have a lot of rough days at school. Many of them find school a slog — seven hours of falling short of expectations and feeling bad about themselves. Who would want to talk about those experiences every day?
Liz Evans, a mother of three and a former educator who blogs at Simple Simon and Company (simplesimonandco.com), wanted to get more out of her two tight-lipped children, Simon and Grace. When she asked how school was, they grunted “Fine” or “Good.” Nothing else.
Evans wanted more feedback, as many parents do. So she blogged about a list of questions to ask that get them talking. According to Evans, some questions have led to interesting conversations, hilarious answers, and insights into how her children think and feel about school. Her question-and-answer strategy worked. Simon and Grace started speaking in full sentences. If your child is quiet about school, try out some of Evans’s questions on him or her:
- What was the best thing that happened at school today? (What was the worst thing that happened at school today?)
- Tell me something that made you laugh today.
- Whom would you like to sit by in class? (Whom would you not want to sit by in class? Why?)
- Where is the coolest place at the school?
- Tell me a weird word that you heard today (or something weird that someone said).
- If I called your teacher tonight, what would she tell me about you?
- How did you help somebody today?
- How did somebody help you today?
- Tell me one thing that you learned today.
- When were you the happiest today?
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Devastating Plane Crash in DC
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Devastating Plane Crash in DC
posted on NJ Family Magazine
Wednesday night’s tragic plane crash over the Potomac near Reagan Washington National Airport is the deadliest U.S. air crash in nearly 24 years. There were no survivors in the mid-air collision between an American Airlines jet carrying 64 passengers, including a group of figure skaters returning from a development camp, and a U.S. Army Black Hawk helicopter which had 3 soldiers on board.
Chances are your children have heard the devastating news and may feel anxious, sad or even worried about their safety, especially if someone in your family is a frequent traveler or you fly as a family. We spoke with experts to understand how to address the news with your kids in a thoughtful, supportive way. Here’s what they shared:
Start by Listening to What They Know
“First and foremost, gauge how much your child knows,” says Liz Nissim, PhD, a clinical and school psychologist with Psychological and Educational Consulting in Livingston. “Don’t assume that your child understands what has fully happened. Listen to what your child has to say without interrupting, and without trying to correct or mitigate.”
Stacy Thiry, a Florida-based licensed mental health counselor at Grow Therapy, recommends asking open-ended questions like, “Have you heard about the plane crash?” or “How are you feeling about what happened?” This will help you understand what they’ve already heard and what’s on their mind, Thiry says.
Validate Their Feelings
It’s important to let kids know their feelings are completely natural, says Stephanie Marcello, Ph.D., Chief Psychologist at Rutgers University Behavioral Health Care. “Remind them you will be there whenever they need you…Be available, listen actively (stop whatever you are doing and be present, let them finish before you respond) and respond thoughtfully.” Validating their emotions and offering reassurance can help children feel supported.
Be a Calm Role Model
Children often look to adults for cues on how to respond to distressing events. Marcello advises parents to model calm and reassuring behavior. “Be careful not to have a super strong reaction, matter-of-fact approaches work best,” says Marcello, also Assistant Vice President, Academics, Integration and Innovation at Rutgers Behavioral Health Care. “Consider that children will learn based on watching the adults in their lives. How are you talking about the event or showing your own anxiety? From there we can provide age-appropriate information. We want to be careful if our child knows about the accident not to pretend it didn’t happen, which can make their anxiety worse.”
Reassure Them About Flying
If your child expresses concerns about flying, particularly if a family member frequently travels, providing factual reassurance can help. Thiry recommends emphasizing the rarity of plane crashes. “Remind them that plane crashes are very rare. Pilots, mechanics, and air traffic controllers work hard to make sure flying is safe,” she says.
Anger Management for Children with ADHD
Anger Management for Children with ADHD
written by posted on Attitude Magazine
Of all the emotions that can get a child into trouble, anger leads the list. While sadness or anxiety causes misery, it is anger that leads to trouble — punishment, suspension, expulsion, and a host of other outcomes we don’t wish our children to suffer.
It is important that a child expresses his anger, but the emotion should be like a sneeze: It clears the passageways and is over. A child who cannot get angry is in as much danger as a child who cannot control his anger. Here are my 10 tips for anger management for kids.
One of the best tonics for the brain is physical exercise. My friend and colleague, Dr. John Ratey, showed in his book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain (#CommissionsEarned) that exercise is helpful in promoting healthy brain function, including the ability to control agression.
Provider Spotlight: Prep Academy Tutors of Northern NJ
Provider Spotlight: Prep Academy Tutors of Northern NJ
excerpts taken from Prep Academy Tutors
Prep Academy Tutors offers one-on-one tutoring services to students in Northern, NJ. We understand that no two children learn in exactly the same way, so we cater our approach to education based on a student’s individual needs. We work to form a close relationship that is both encouraging and empowering, as we help students fill in academic gaps. To us education is fun, and we want your child to have fun on their journey to academic success.
Our program offers:
- Certified teachers
- Flexible scheduling: in-home or online
- Personalized programming
- Private and group tutoring sessions
- NJ Curriculum-Based Education
- Enrichment & remedial programs
- Tutors experiences in helping students with a variety of diagnoses and challenges including:
- Autism spectrum disorders
- ADHD
- Executive Function challenges
- Down Syndrome
- Learning Disabilities, including Dyslexia
- Anxiety disorders
- Emotional regulation challenges
- Developmental Delays
Learn more about the tutoring services our certified teachers can provide to help elevate your child’s educational experience by contacting us:
Prep Academy Tutors of Northern NJ
Contact Person: Greg Costanzo, Owner
Phone: 973.638.2868
Email: northernnewjersey@prepacademytutors.com
Website: https://prepacademytutors.com/location/northern-new-jersey/
The Parents’ Guide to Dismantling Oppositional, Defiant Behavior
The Parents’ Guide to Dismantling Oppositional, Defiant Behavior
written by Sharon Saline, Psy.D, posted on Attitude Magazine
Does your child bristle against limits? Challenge your authority? Resist even reasonable requests? Yes, youthful rebellion travels in lockstep with adolescence, but don’t dismiss your teen’s oppositionality as hormones alone. “No” could be your child’s way of expressing a wide range of emotions they can’t otherwise articulate. It may be their way of setting limits, slowing things down, or expressing their overwhelm.
Defiance is commonly associated with ADHD symptoms like weak impulse control and emotional regulation, but repetitive acts of defiance could be a sign of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or pathological demand avoidance (PDA). To determine the root cause of a child’s behavior, we must dig underneath inappropriate words and actions.
Why Is My Child So Defiant?
Many oppositional teens have a loud internal voice that tells them they’re a failure; they can’t do things right; no one likes them; they’re stupid. You name it.
As a parent, you’ve likely witnessed pushback resulting from this internal narrative. Your child’s defiance is an unskilled and ineffective attempt to manage some of these feelings. They’re trying to manage their external surroundings when things feel out of control on the inside.
What to Do (and Not Do) When Children are Anxious
What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious
posted on Child Mind Institute
When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster’s anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.
1. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but to help a child manage it.
None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they’re anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.
2. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.
Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let’s say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry — not to be manipulative, but just because that’s how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there, or remove the thing they’re afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.
3. Express positive — but realistic — expectations.
You can’t promise a child that their fears are unrealistic—that they won’t fail a test, that they’ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won’t laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they’re going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you’re not going to ask them to do something they can’t handle.
4. Respect their feelings, but don’t empower them.
It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they’re due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle those fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they’re anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”
5. Don’t ask leading questions.
Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions— “Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about the science fair?”
6. Don’t reinforce the child’s fears.
What you don’t want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they’re around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.
7. Encourage the child to tolerate their anxiety.
Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It’s really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve.” That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with thestressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that’s how we get over our fears.
10 Things to Do with Your Kids Between the Holidays and New Year
10 Things to Do with Your Kids Between the Holidays and New Year
posted on Sunshine House
The holiday season has so much momentum and excitement leading up to all the celebrations. Slowing down after the holidays can be confusing for children, so how do we switch off this mindset of hustle and bustle leading into the New Year? It’s great to get back into the groove of your normal routine with your family and slow down, but keep the momentum going just a little bit with some family fun.
We put together a list of 10 family activities to do during the lull in between the holidays and New Year.
1. See the Holiday Lights
When the holidays are over, the lights don’t just come down. Most outdoor holiday lights stay up at least for another week or two and into January. Some professional light shows even run through the end of the year, too. Take a leisurely stroll through a lit-up neighborhood, or drive through a holiday light show one last time with your kids to take in the last bit of the season.
Pro Tip: Taking advantage of holiday light shows after the holidays means waiting in shorter lines!
2. Try a Healthy Recipe
Getting back into healthy habits can be a challenge after so many sweet treats all season long. Take this time to try out a healthy and fun recipe with your kids! It can be as simple as mixing up a Greek yogurt veggie dip to dunk sliced veggies in or gathering ingredients for a cozy homemade soup. Your kids will love spending quality time with you in the kitchen, all while learning important life skills!
3. Try Out Your New Toys
Now that your children have lots of new fun toys to try out, take some time to play as a family! Try out the new gizmos and gadgets together as a special bonding experience. You can use this as a teachable moment to encourage sharing between your kids, whether they take turns or play together.
4. Build a Blanket Fort
Building a blanket fort has long been a childhood favorite that creates a special bond. Gather all the blankets and pillows you can find, and as a family build the tallest or the widest blanket fort possible! And, once it’s built, it’s the perfect spot for a cozy afternoon together, and a memory that will last a lifetime.