Dr. Liz Nissim joined hosts Bob Bianchi and Dave Bruno on their podcast Nothing But The Truth, in the episode, “Why Your Kids Need to be Bored.”
Huge thanks to Bob & Dave for hosting this episode on their podcast!
Click HERE to listen to the podcast!
published on Scary Mommy, Dr. Liz Nissim, contributor
Every time someone asks me what it’s like to raise a tween, I tell them the biggest thing I’m learning is how quickly they revert to toddler-like behaviors. And no, I don’t mean tantrums or big emotional outbursts, but how much tweens and teens — despite what society tells us — want us around them. My 11-year-old daughter comes to me while I cook and leans on me at the kitchen counter like she did as a toddler, asks me to sit with her on the couch like she did as a preschooler, and still loves a book before bed.
But I was not prepared for how much our teens need us at bedtime.
More than she did as an elementary schooler, my 6th grader asks me to stay in her bedroom every night. After all the stories and songs (she shares a room with her two little sisters), she will say, “Don’t go” to me as I walk out, and I always turn back around and sit with her. Sometimes she dumps out her entire soul right there in the middle of her Squishmallows, and sometimes she just wants to be silly and goof around.
And according to experts, this makes total sense.
Dr. Kelly Gonderman, licensed clinical psychologist and clinical director at We Conquer Together, has spent nearly a decade working with adolescents in residential treatment and college counseling centers. She calls this the Night Shift — the window between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m “when teens are actually processing their day and trying to make sense of their emotional experiences.”
By nighttime, their defenses are down.
“Their ability to push things away isn’t as strong, so everything they’ve been holding in finally comes up,” says Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW, and founder and director of Suffolk DBT. “During the day, they’re managing school, friendships, expectations, and their own internal experiences. At night, when everything settles down, there’s finally space to feel.”
And maybe more importantly, it feels safer. “It’s quieter, more private, and there’s less pressure, which makes it easier for teens to be vulnerable,” Lorandini says.
Listen, it happens. You’re just drifting off to sleep when your bedroom door opens, and you see your teen standing there. Or maybe you’re headed to bed and notice their lamp still on as they continue to try and unwind — and they want you to come in.
You’re exhausted yourself, but how you show up for your kid in these moments matters.
“The first step is validation,” says Lorandini. “Even if the timing is tough, your teen is choosing to come to you, and that really matters.” She says validation doesn’t have to be complicated, either. It can be as simple as:
You don’t have to try to fix everything. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.
Dr. Liz Nissim, a clinical and school psychologist, agrees. “For our teens who are expressing struggles, ask your teen if he or she would like for you to listen or brainstorm solutions with him/her. Most just need someone to help them navigate their day-to-day interactions and feelings,” she says.
At that hour, they’re not looking for a big reaction. They need you to ground them and just be engaged and attentive.
But it’s also OK to set a limit if it helps both of you. Saying things like, “I really want to hear this, I’m just getting tired. Can we keep talking tomorrow?” can validate your teen’s needs while giving both of you what you need.
“Following up the next day — same time, same place — is also validating for our teens,” Nissim says. “For example, if a teen is worrying about their upcoming math test the next day, a quick text during the morning or day, such as ‘Good luck with your math quiz today. You’re going to rock it!’ lets your teen know that you heard and you’re engaged and thinking about them.”
Gonderman adds that it’s important to remember your teen isn’t just doing this to avoid going to bed — this can be especially true if you find them in their room scrolling on their phones or texting friends after you’ve told them to go to bed.
“Don’t lecture about screen time at midnight,” she says. “Sit on the edge of the bed and ask, ‘What’s keeping you up?’” It validates without immediately problem-solving. Plus, Gonderman points out, the research on adolescent sleep and attachment is unambiguous: “Teens who experience consistent nighttime emotional availability from parents show significantly lower rates of anxiety and depression, regardless of sleep duration.”
Whether it’s bedtime, on the way to soccer practice, or at the dinner table, if you want to encourage your teen to talk more, make sure they know you’re a safe place to bring things. They need to know that you’re there to listen and won’t immediately jump into problem-solving mode or try to take over an issue.
Amy Dykstra, a registered psychologist and clinic owner at Bluebird Psychology, says nighttime works because it’s often the first moment teens have all day without distractions.
So replicate some of that with a nighttime walk, settling down on the couch to watch a TV show together, or even just hanging out in their room with them as they wind down and get ready for bed. Letting them know you’re there and available may encourage them to talk more before the late hours fully take over.
No matter what, just listen. Dykstra says that teens are still children who thrive on your comfort. When they’re sleepy, dropping their fight for independence to reach out to you makes so much sense.
“The biggest thing you can do is embrace this time. It’s such a sweet moment in parenting teenagers,” she says. “Let your teen guide the conversation, don’t pressure them into it, and most of the time, just listen. They often aren’t looking for guidance or advice in these moments, just an opportunity to get their thoughts and feelings out there.”
If bedtime happens to be when your teen finally feels safe enough to talk, it’s also when they’re choosing you… and that’s something worth staying up for.
written by Dr. Liz Nissim, published on Psychology Today
There was a time when human survival depended on responding quickly to real danger. If a lion appeared, the body reacted instantly with a racing heart, tightening muscles, breathing quickly, and getting ready to pounce or run.
Today, children, adolescents, and young adults aren’t facing actual lions, but they are having the same physiological response of arousal, hypervigilance, and constant alertness. The brain continues to detect “threats,” even when those threats are psychological, social, or anticipatory. Events such as an upcoming test, a social interaction, a text message from a peer, or not fitting in can create the same physiological responses, nonetheless.
Let’s call the sources of anxiety for our children, teens, and young adults the “perceived lion.” The goal is not to eliminate anxiety, but to help children and teens recognize, interpret, and respond to it in more adaptive ways. A perceived lion is any situation the brain interprets as threatening, even when there is no actual physical danger. The brain does not always distinguish between real danger and anticipated or imagined threat.
For a child, the lion might be walking into school or separating from a parent. For a teenager, it may be a social event, a test, or a social gathering. For a young adult, it might involve fear of failure, rejection, or not meeting expectations.
Step One: Help the Young Person Name the Lion
One of the most effective starting points is helping the child or teen identify what, specifically, their brain is reacting to.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” try:
As a parent, you can say:
When anxiety is externalized and named, it becomes less overwhelming. It shifts from an undefined sense of dread to something that can be observed, discussed, and worked with. This naming process alone often reduces intensity by creating psychological distance between the person and the fear.
Step Two: Assess the Actual Level of Danger
Once the perceived lion is identified, the next step is helping the young person differentiate between perceived threat and actual risk.
Ask:
The intention is not to dismiss the anxiety or minimize emotional discomfort, but to help re-engage the logical parts of our brain. Anxiety focuses on threat, and asking these questions helps to shift your child’s mindset from emergency to worry or fear, which is much more manageable.
Step Three: Ground, Regulate, Co-Regulate
Even when insight is present, the body often remains activated. This is why physiological regulation is essential.
We can support our children and teens through co-regulation, such as taking deep breaths together, physically hugging or holding hands, and taking deep breaths, physical movement such as walking or even tapping. The goal is to take the nervous system out of panic mode and to feel in control again.
Over time, repeated experiences—“I can calm my body and get through this”—build internal confidence and resilience. We can then teach our kids that the experience of anxiety will peak and fall, and that we are capable of moving through it successfully.
Ultimately, anxiety management in children and teens is not about removing all “lions.” It is about helping them recognize a true threat, rather than a fear of rejection or failure. Instead, our goal is to equip them with the tools to respond and manage successfully.
When we support our kids and teens in naming their fear, evaluating its accuracy, and regulating their physiological response, they are not simply reducing anxiety in the moment. Instead, we are teaching them how to manage big emotions and fears in a way that builds confidence and resilience.
Today is National Read Across America Day! To celebrate this day we want to share an excellent article on Child Mind’s Website. They have compiled a list of great resources around books about children’s mental health, in their article, “77 Children’s Books About Mental Health” by Karen Cicero.
Best books for helping kids understand emotional and learning challenges
From a hedgehog too anxious to go ice skating to a puppy who can’t make his letters come out right, children’s books address many emotional, behavioral and learning challenges kids face. These books help kids name and understand feelings and experiences they may be struggling with. At the Child Mind Institute we’ve contacted publishers all over to call in popular children’s books about mental health and learning disorders and other common challenges, like dealing with painful experiences and coping with strong emotions. We included books for kids up to 12, from picture books to be read with preschoolers to chapter books for independent reading by older children. Our clinicians read them all and picked the best in each category, based on how helpful they found them. Here you will see descriptions of 77 books we like, and we hope you will find useful.
In February, Dr. Liz Nissim joined Chris Dessi on his podcast The Quantum Shift, in the episode, “Your Child Isn’t Broken, Their Brain Just Works Differently.”
Huge thanks to Chris for hosting this episode on his podcast!
Watch here!
posted on Strong for Life
So, you’re the parent or caregiver of a middle schooler. Welcome to the club! This can be one of the most challenging parenting tests you’ve faced so far. While your child is testing boundaries and limits, it may feel like what’s really being tested is your patience.
Understanding what’s going on with your middle schooler can go a long way toward fostering healthy relationships and creating some peace in your home.
While every child and family are different, here are some pointers to help you navigate the challenging middle-school years.
It’s normal to find that your middle schooler is more tearful, emotional, angry or short-tempered than ever before. Your child may also begin to spend more time alone in their room. Maybe your teen is quieter or more reserved. As hormonal changes occur, these are all normal behaviors for children at this age.
In middle school, children begin to connect more with their peers and a bit less with you, their parents or caregivers. This is a healthy part of children gaining a new sense of independence, seeing themselves as “separate” from their parents. While a child’s desire for alone time is normal, Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Strong4Life licensed therapist Erin Harlow-Parker, APRN, warns, “Withdrawing from parents and focusing on peers is appropriate, but complete isolation and not having interactions with family may be cause for concern.” So, give your middle schooler space, but be aware when it becomes a consistent habit or when your middle schooler seems to consistently be withdrawn. If you are concerned about your child’s behavior, reach out to your pediatrician about getting additional help.
posted on The Personal
Whatever their age, many kids are apprehensive about starting school or going back to school. The good news is there’s a lot you can do to ease their minds and help them get ready for a new school year.
Getting back into a school sleep won’t happen overnight! A few weeks before school starts, get your child into the habit of going to bed earlier. Gentle winding-down activities such as bath time and reading before bed can help your child relax.
Establishing a consistent routine is important for kids. Write out the steps in the routine and rehearse them with your child. In the evening, this could include doing homework, playtime, brushing their teeth, having a bath, and reading before bed.
Children who play an active role in preparing for back to school – such as choosing and organizing school supplies and new clothes – are more likely to get excited about going back to school, which in turn eases their jitters. Is your child old enough for chores like emptying the dishwasher or making lunches? Daily, age-appropriate tasks will help your child gain independence and confidence.
Backpacks that are too heavy or worn improperly could result in muscle strain, headaches, and neck pain. Try to choose a backpack made of sturdy, lightweight fabric with wide, padded straps that will support your child’s shoulders. Watch that they don’t sling it over just one shoulder.
Review outdoor safety rules – things like looking both ways before crossing the street, taking the same route every day if they are walking, familiarizing themselves with crosswalk rules, and being cautious in talking to strangers.
Involve your children in choosing and preparing healthy lunches and snacks. Help them find physical activities they enjoy. Take them shopping for healthy snacks and lunchhey can pack themselves. Try to stick to regular meal times.
Back to school is the perfect opportunity to re-establish screen time limits. Why not have the whole family “unplug” in the evenings before bedtime? Choose a spot where everybody can charge their devices overnight. Use an alarm clock instead of a cellphone to wake up in the mornings.
If your kids are starting at a new school, practice walking or driving to the bus stop or to the school building a week or two before school starts. You could even play in the school playground before school starts. This creates fun memories associated with the school before summer vacation ends.
Reassure your child that being nervous is natural – even for teachers. You can help your child cope with these feelings when you:
If you celebrate the first day of school, your kids will see back-to-school as a transition they can really enjoy. Try a back-to-school party the day before school starts, complete with cake, balloons and educational gifts. And don’t forget to take a picture on the front step in their first-day-of-school outfits. It’s going to be a great year!
posted on The Inspired Treehouse
If you’ve worked with kids for awhile, you know all about transitions and transition strategies and calming techniques during transitions…those little magic tricks that creative teachers, therapists, caregivers, and others have invented to help prevent tantrums and promote self-regulation when kids need to move from one activity to another throughout the day.
Before I had my own kids, I used these strategies primarily with my students at school who had autism or other special needs that contributed to challenging behaviors during transition times. But, as time went on and I became an auntie and then, a few years later, a mom, I realized…”Wait a minute…these little tricks work with allkids!”
Like when we have to leave those beloved Legos behind in the morning to go to school or when it’s time to leave Grandma’s and they just don’t want to go home!
I won’t say that these strategies are 100% fail-proof, but I do know from experience that it feels really good to be prepared with a handful of ideas that can help ward off a potential tantrum when the going gets tough. Here are some of my favorite ideas and therapy tools for transitions…
Try using a visual timer. Bring the child’s attention to it when you set it and keep referring to it throughout the activity (e.g. “Look! We have 2 minutes left!”)
Offer a set number of turns with the activity before moving on and then count them out clearly (e.g. 10 more pushes on the swing, 3 more turns with the toy, etc.).
Give lots of warnings for how long the child has left to participate in the activity.
Picture schedules are perfect for this. Set up a visual schedule showing the child several steps of her day (e.g. get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, go to school) either in pictures or, if your child can read, using words.
This Visual Schedule Planner app looks awesome too. Try to alternate between non-preferred and preferred activities so that the child sees that she has positive things to look forward to throughout the day.
As much as you possibly can, stick to your schedule like glue until it’s an easy routine for the child. If a child is struggling a great deal with transitions, try breaking it down into even simpler terms with a “First…Then” chart, showing that first the child must complete one activity before moving on to a more preferred activity.
You can find pictures of common everyday activities on sites like do2Learn, or if you have access to Boardmaker, you can find pretty much any picture under the sun. Learn how to make a visual schedule here.
