Dr. Liz Nissim joined hosts Bob Bianchi and Dave Bruno on their podcast Nothing But The Truth, in the episode, “Why Your Kids Need to be Bored.”
Huge thanks to Bob & Dave for hosting this episode on their podcast!
Click HERE to listen to the podcast!
published on Scary Mommy, Dr. Liz Nissim, contributor
Every time someone asks me what it’s like to raise a tween, I tell them the biggest thing I’m learning is how quickly they revert to toddler-like behaviors. And no, I don’t mean tantrums or big emotional outbursts, but how much tweens and teens — despite what society tells us — want us around them. My 11-year-old daughter comes to me while I cook and leans on me at the kitchen counter like she did as a toddler, asks me to sit with her on the couch like she did as a preschooler, and still loves a book before bed.
But I was not prepared for how much our teens need us at bedtime.
More than she did as an elementary schooler, my 6th grader asks me to stay in her bedroom every night. After all the stories and songs (she shares a room with her two little sisters), she will say, “Don’t go” to me as I walk out, and I always turn back around and sit with her. Sometimes she dumps out her entire soul right there in the middle of her Squishmallows, and sometimes she just wants to be silly and goof around.
And according to experts, this makes total sense.
Dr. Kelly Gonderman, licensed clinical psychologist and clinical director at We Conquer Together, has spent nearly a decade working with adolescents in residential treatment and college counseling centers. She calls this the Night Shift — the window between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m “when teens are actually processing their day and trying to make sense of their emotional experiences.”
By nighttime, their defenses are down.
“Their ability to push things away isn’t as strong, so everything they’ve been holding in finally comes up,” says Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW, and founder and director of Suffolk DBT. “During the day, they’re managing school, friendships, expectations, and their own internal experiences. At night, when everything settles down, there’s finally space to feel.”
And maybe more importantly, it feels safer. “It’s quieter, more private, and there’s less pressure, which makes it easier for teens to be vulnerable,” Lorandini says.
Listen, it happens. You’re just drifting off to sleep when your bedroom door opens, and you see your teen standing there. Or maybe you’re headed to bed and notice their lamp still on as they continue to try and unwind — and they want you to come in.
You’re exhausted yourself, but how you show up for your kid in these moments matters.
“The first step is validation,” says Lorandini. “Even if the timing is tough, your teen is choosing to come to you, and that really matters.” She says validation doesn’t have to be complicated, either. It can be as simple as:
You don’t have to try to fix everything. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.
Dr. Liz Nissim, a clinical and school psychologist, agrees. “For our teens who are expressing struggles, ask your teen if he or she would like for you to listen or brainstorm solutions with him/her. Most just need someone to help them navigate their day-to-day interactions and feelings,” she says.
At that hour, they’re not looking for a big reaction. They need you to ground them and just be engaged and attentive.
But it’s also OK to set a limit if it helps both of you. Saying things like, “I really want to hear this, I’m just getting tired. Can we keep talking tomorrow?” can validate your teen’s needs while giving both of you what you need.
“Following up the next day — same time, same place — is also validating for our teens,” Nissim says. “For example, if a teen is worrying about their upcoming math test the next day, a quick text during the morning or day, such as ‘Good luck with your math quiz today. You’re going to rock it!’ lets your teen know that you heard and you’re engaged and thinking about them.”
Gonderman adds that it’s important to remember your teen isn’t just doing this to avoid going to bed — this can be especially true if you find them in their room scrolling on their phones or texting friends after you’ve told them to go to bed.
“Don’t lecture about screen time at midnight,” she says. “Sit on the edge of the bed and ask, ‘What’s keeping you up?’” It validates without immediately problem-solving. Plus, Gonderman points out, the research on adolescent sleep and attachment is unambiguous: “Teens who experience consistent nighttime emotional availability from parents show significantly lower rates of anxiety and depression, regardless of sleep duration.”
Whether it’s bedtime, on the way to soccer practice, or at the dinner table, if you want to encourage your teen to talk more, make sure they know you’re a safe place to bring things. They need to know that you’re there to listen and won’t immediately jump into problem-solving mode or try to take over an issue.
Amy Dykstra, a registered psychologist and clinic owner at Bluebird Psychology, says nighttime works because it’s often the first moment teens have all day without distractions.
So replicate some of that with a nighttime walk, settling down on the couch to watch a TV show together, or even just hanging out in their room with them as they wind down and get ready for bed. Letting them know you’re there and available may encourage them to talk more before the late hours fully take over.
No matter what, just listen. Dykstra says that teens are still children who thrive on your comfort. When they’re sleepy, dropping their fight for independence to reach out to you makes so much sense.
“The biggest thing you can do is embrace this time. It’s such a sweet moment in parenting teenagers,” she says. “Let your teen guide the conversation, don’t pressure them into it, and most of the time, just listen. They often aren’t looking for guidance or advice in these moments, just an opportunity to get their thoughts and feelings out there.”
If bedtime happens to be when your teen finally feels safe enough to talk, it’s also when they’re choosing you… and that’s something worth staying up for.
written by Dr. Liz Nissim, published on Psychology Today
There was a time when human survival depended on responding quickly to real danger. If a lion appeared, the body reacted instantly with a racing heart, tightening muscles, breathing quickly, and getting ready to pounce or run.
Today, children, adolescents, and young adults aren’t facing actual lions, but they are having the same physiological response of arousal, hypervigilance, and constant alertness. The brain continues to detect “threats,” even when those threats are psychological, social, or anticipatory. Events such as an upcoming test, a social interaction, a text message from a peer, or not fitting in can create the same physiological responses, nonetheless.
Let’s call the sources of anxiety for our children, teens, and young adults the “perceived lion.” The goal is not to eliminate anxiety, but to help children and teens recognize, interpret, and respond to it in more adaptive ways. A perceived lion is any situation the brain interprets as threatening, even when there is no actual physical danger. The brain does not always distinguish between real danger and anticipated or imagined threat.
For a child, the lion might be walking into school or separating from a parent. For a teenager, it may be a social event, a test, or a social gathering. For a young adult, it might involve fear of failure, rejection, or not meeting expectations.
Step One: Help the Young Person Name the Lion
One of the most effective starting points is helping the child or teen identify what, specifically, their brain is reacting to.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” try:
As a parent, you can say:
When anxiety is externalized and named, it becomes less overwhelming. It shifts from an undefined sense of dread to something that can be observed, discussed, and worked with. This naming process alone often reduces intensity by creating psychological distance between the person and the fear.
Step Two: Assess the Actual Level of Danger
Once the perceived lion is identified, the next step is helping the young person differentiate between perceived threat and actual risk.
Ask:
The intention is not to dismiss the anxiety or minimize emotional discomfort, but to help re-engage the logical parts of our brain. Anxiety focuses on threat, and asking these questions helps to shift your child’s mindset from emergency to worry or fear, which is much more manageable.
Step Three: Ground, Regulate, Co-Regulate
Even when insight is present, the body often remains activated. This is why physiological regulation is essential.
We can support our children and teens through co-regulation, such as taking deep breaths together, physically hugging or holding hands, and taking deep breaths, physical movement such as walking or even tapping. The goal is to take the nervous system out of panic mode and to feel in control again.
Over time, repeated experiences—“I can calm my body and get through this”—build internal confidence and resilience. We can then teach our kids that the experience of anxiety will peak and fall, and that we are capable of moving through it successfully.
Ultimately, anxiety management in children and teens is not about removing all “lions.” It is about helping them recognize a true threat, rather than a fear of rejection or failure. Instead, our goal is to equip them with the tools to respond and manage successfully.
When we support our kids and teens in naming their fear, evaluating its accuracy, and regulating their physiological response, they are not simply reducing anxiety in the moment. Instead, we are teaching them how to manage big emotions and fears in a way that builds confidence and resilience.
This service provides structured clinical support for high school students and their families navigating the college planning process. The model integrates executive functioning support, emotional regulation strategies, and developmentally appropriate college planning guidance.
The goal is to help students:
-Increase organization and follow-through
-Reduce overwhelm, avoidance, and anxiety
-Break large tasks into manageable steps
-Build independence and self-management skills over time
Sessions may include individual student work, parent coaching, and joint family sessions as clinically indicated.
For more information, please reach out to Ita Golus, LCSW at:
Phone: 973.309.3262
Email: ita@psychedconsult.com
This service provides structured clinical support for high school students and their families navigating the college planning process. The model integrates executive functioning support, emotional regulation strategies, and developmentally appropriate college planning guidance.
The goal is to help students:
-Increase organization and follow-through
-Reduce overwhelm, avoidance, and anxiety
-Break large tasks into manageable steps
-Build independence and self-management skills over time
Sessions may include individual student work, parent coaching, and joint family sessions as clinically indicated.
For more information, please reach out to Ita Golus, LCSW at:
Phone: 973.309.3262
Email: ita@psychedconsult.com
This service provides structured clinical support for high school students and their families navigating the college planning process. The model integrates executive functioning support, emotional regulation strategies, and developmentally appropriate college planning guidance.
The goal is to help students:
-Increase organization and follow-through
-Reduce overwhelm, avoidance, and anxiety
-Break large tasks into manageable steps
-Build independence and self-management skills over time
Sessions may include individual student work, parent coaching, and joint family sessions as clinically indicated.
For more information, please reach out to Ita Golus, LCSW at:
Phone: 973.309.3262
Email: ita@psychedconsult.com
In February, Dr. Liz Nissim joined Chris Dessi on his podcast The Quantum Shift, in the episode, “Your Child Isn’t Broken, Their Brain Just Works Differently.”
Huge thanks to Chris for hosting this episode on his podcast!
Watch here!
posted on Teen DV Month
Teen dating violence is something no parent wants to consider. It’s hard enough to accept that your baby is growing up and having what might seem like truly adult experiences. But the thought that puppy love could turn into something as serious and as damaging as dating violence can be heartbreaking.
The unfortunate truth is that many teenagers do experience violence and abuse from their dating partners. If this happens, your child, who isn’t equipped to navigate something like this in the midst of new, intense, and complicated feelings, needs you more than ever. You’re not just there to help them; you’re a crucial lifeline in preventing and addressing a formative experience that could turn into juvenile crimes ugly fast.
One of the most powerful tools parents have is open and honest communication. It’s not easy, but creating an environment where your teen feels comfortable talking to you about anything and everything, including their relationships, will give you the best opportunity to steer them away from danger.
For you, this means being a good listener. Ask your teen open-ended questions about their dates, partners, and feelings about their relationships. Offer a nonjudgmental ear and validate their feelings even when you need to make your disagreement known.
Most importantly, make it abundantly clear that they can always come to you with any concerns, big or small, if something doesn’t feel right, without fear of dismissal. Keeping a sensitive, ongoing dialogue with your teen builds trust and makes it more likely that they’ll seek you out when they’re in trouble.
Teens are often bombarded with unrealistic and sometimes unhealthy portrayals of relationships in the media. It’s your role to help them understand what a healthy relationship truly looks like, with respect, equality, trust, mutual support, and consent as foundational elements.
Remember your first crush and how vulnerable those new and intense emotions made you feel. A bad actor can take advantage of this naivete to truly, and sometimes intimately, hurt your teen.
Take the time to educate your teen on the red flags of unhealthy or abusive relationships, like controlling behavior, jealousy, possessiveness, verbal abuse, intimidation, isolation from friends and family, and physical threats or violence. Help them recognize that these behaviors are never acceptable, no matter how in love they might be.
While it’s important to respect your teen’s privacy, make it clear that you’d like to get to know their partner. If you spend time with a potential abuser, you might see the signs that something is off more clearly than your teen can.
Invite your child’s partner over to your home and observe their interactions with your child to gain insight into their relationship dynamics. Pay attention to how the partner treats your teen and how your teen behaves around them. Trust your instincts, but balance that with not being overly intrusive.
As a parent, it’s your responsibility to set clear expectations and boundaries regarding dating. Stay consistent with rules about curfews, who they can date, and where they can go. Offer advice to help them enforce boundaries within the relationship itself, like their right to say no.
While some teens may push back against these rules, they ultimately provide security and demonstrate your care.
You can’t protect your child forever, as much as any parent might like to. But teaching them about healthy relationships now — and intervening if you see something that isn’t right — lays the groundwork for them to have safe, fulfilling relationships as they enter adulthood.
For more information check out this page:
written by Dr. Liz Nissim, posted on Psychology Today
Let’s be real: being a teenager isn’t easy. You’re balancing schoolwork, friendships, family expectations, and figuring out who you are, all while trying to keep up with the fast-paced world around you. On top of that, social media, the pressure to succeed, and even world events can all weigh your mood down. It’s no surprise that many teens today are struggling with anxiety, stress, and emotional fatigue.
Know what? All teens are struggling with similar types of teen things, so please know that you’re not alone.
And, on top of that, there are things that you can actively do to take care of your mental health. This doesn’t mean that you need to have all the answers or that you’re going to feel “happy” most of the time. Taking care of your mental health is about learning how to manage tough emotions, build resilience, and know when to reach out. Here are three strategies you can start using.
As a teen, you may often feel like you need to “figure it out” on your own and that you somehow “should” have the answers. That’s just not true. Talking about your feelings, whether you’re stressed, sad, anxious, or just unsure about how to handle a situation, is another way for you to connect to a parent, friend, family member, or therapist. You will undoubtedly realize that you are not alone in how you feel and that your feelings and thoughts are valid.
Sometimes, just hearing your own thoughts out loud takes them out of your head and makes them tangible. Making them tangible helps you to find potential solutions or ideas for how to manage something that needs to be managed. If you’re not ready to talk to another person, journaling or texting another person is also helpful. The key thing is to talk about it and not let it fester inside your body and your mind.
Not sure how to get a conversation started? Try something like, “I have a lot of thoughts in my head. Can you help me figure them out?”
If you’re anything like my own teens, you have your phone in hand almost 24-7. Your phones are basically glued to your hands. Constant exposure to social media, news updates, and even text messages can take a real toll on your mind. I’m not suggesting that you quit social media, but rather create some time when your phone is not with you and you engage in an electronics-free activity or time for your mind and body to quiet down.
written by Kari Lewis Ed.D. posted on Attitude Magazine
High-intensity interval training (HIIT) is a popular form of exercise that involves alternating between short, intense bursts of movement and brief periods of rest. As an ADHD coach, I’ve always considered the HIIT method to be well-suited for people with ADHD outside of fitness. The short intervals of work and rest are manageable and work to sustain focus and mental engagement.
With my own clients, I’ve adapted HIIT into a protocol for helping them manage dreaded tasks and get things done. I call it high-intensity interval tasking. Here’s how it works:
1. Think of a task that you consistently struggle to start or finish. I’m choosing folding and putting away laundry into drawers and closets. (Ugh!)
2. Decide how much time you want to allot to the task (this includes rest time, which we’ll get to). Note that you’re not basing it off how much time you have, but how much time you can realistically devote to the task without becoming frustrated or burning out. With that in mind, could you commit to a total of 5 minutes? 10? 15?
3. Within this timeframe, determine the ideal duration of your “work” (high intensity) intervals and your “rest” cycles. For example, two minutes of work and one minute of rest.
