Why Should I Set Boundaries With My Teens?

Why Should I Set Boundaries With My Teens?

written by Dr. Liz-Nissim Matheis, posted on Psychology Today

As a parent, you know that setting limits is important and healthy for your children. So, how exactly do we do that?

Let’s start at the beginning; boundaries are integral to our daily life. As adults, these boundaries become known as laws, like speeding laws. Without a speed limit, we would drive at all kinds of speeds and bump into things and people, causing serious injury and harm.

Within the workplace, we also have boundaries that define when we are supposed to show up for work and leave. Some boundaries are written or spoken, and some are created by the office culture.

Without these boundaries, we don’t know our limits. Not having clear-cut limits makes us feel anxious. Boundaries let us know that we are being held accountable, and it is up to us to make choices to remain in line with these boundaries. They also imply that someone is in charge.

If we didn’t have boundaries in our lives, we would spend much of our time and energy trying to decide what we can and can’t do rather than investing in areas of growth and development. The same holds for our children. Not having clear-cut expectations and standards for your child academically, socially, behaviorally, and morally can lead to the experience of anxiety. If our children do not know that we are the authority figures in their lives, they don’t have parameters in their world, and the world becomes an unsafe and scary place for them.

Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Teen

Game Plan for Peaceful Parenting Your Teen

posted on aha parenting

You may not feel like you have much influence on your child these days, but teens’ behavior is highly correlated with the strength of their bonds with their parents.

Good relationships between teenagers and their parents, as rated by both, are positively correlated with school success and general happiness as rated by the teen, and also by those around her.

By contrast, weak or conflictual parent/teen relationships are correlated with early sexual activity, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, the teen’s involvement in violence (as either perpetrator or victim), and suicide.

How do you parent this blossoming person who sometimes seems to be becoming a stranger?

12 Essential Tips:

1. Remember you’re a parent, AND a friend.

Teens crave the security of knowing their parents understand them, appreciate them, and love them no matter what–so they do want the relationship to be a form of friendship. But they also need to feel like they have some independence, so sometimes you may feel a bit shut out. If you can navigate your closeness in an accepting way that doesn’t take advantage of your role as parent to tell your child what to do, he’s more likely to open up and share with you.

Does a close friendship erode your teen’s respect for you? No. Don’t you respect your friends, and treasure those who are really there for you emotionally? If you offer your teen respect, consideration, and authenticity, that’s what you’ll receive in return.

And as close as you want to be to your teen, sometimes you will have to pull rank and say No. If you’re doing it often, that’s a red flag that something is wrong. But sometimes your teen will be looking to you to set limits they can’t set for themselves. Sometimes you’ll need to stick by your values and say no, whether that’s to an unsupervised party or a very late bedtime. And, of course, sometimes your teen will be able to use your guidance to come up with a win-win solution that answers your concerns.

2. Establish dependable together time.

Be sure to check in every single day. A few minutes of conversation while you’re cleaning up after dinner or right before bedtime can keep you tuned in and establish open communication. Even teens who seem to have forgotten who their parents are the other 23 hours a day often respond well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they’re lounging in bed. In addition to these short daily check-ins, establish a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your teen, even if it’s just going out for ice cream or a walk together.

3. Parent actively and appropriately.

Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re familiar with their activities.

4. Try to be there after school.

The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn’t Saturday night; it’s between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can. If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult supervision, not just an older sibling.

5. Keep your standards high.

Your teen wants to be his or her best self. Our job as parents is to support our teens in doing that. But don’t expect your child to achieve goals you decide for her; she needs to begin charting her own goals now, with the support of a parent who adores her just as she is and believes that she can do anything she aims to. Support your teen’s passions and explorations as she finds her unique voice.

Doing Less for Teens Will Help Them Do More

Doing Less for Teens Will Help Them Do More

written by Dr. Liz Matheis, posted on Psychology Today

When our children were small, it was our natural responsibility to feed them, dress them, prepare their food, wash their clothes, and perform the multitude of other physical tasks that we completed without a second thought. As our children grow older, there needs to be a shift whereby we slowly hand more and more responsibilities to our children so that they are building the skills needed to become independent in their lives.

That shift is a tricky one because no alarm goes off when our child can start washing their laundry, changing their sheets, or managing their calendar. Each of our children is different in their capabilities, and the assessment is just that, an assessment and an artful passing on, resisting the resistance of your child, teen, or young adult and persisting through.

In the end, you have a competent young man or woman who is ready to move on to the next transition, whether that be from elementary school to middle school, or middle school to high school. They have also had experiences with different life tasks in which they can problem solve. Our goal as parents is to provide them with the steps and language to use with others and themselves so they can work through a problem in our absence, because our absence is inevitable.

High school teacher reveals why it is essential for parents to let kids FAIL Once

High school teacher reveals why it is essential for parents to let kids FAIL Once

written by LOUISE CHEER FOR DAILYMAIL.COM, posted on Daily Mail UK

 

A Michigan high school teacher has revealed why it’s important for parents to let their children fail at least once.

Angela Repke wrote for Insider that it may be hard for parents to see their offspring ‘trip on their faces,’ but she believed that it was an important lesson to experience.

‘The teens I’ve taught are caught in a generation of instant gratification, thanks to the smartphones adhered to their hands. This connects to instant success, too. They’ve forgotten how to work hard on a paper and revise it or study at length for a biology exam,’ she said.

‘To prevent their children from failing, some parents try to save them. Sometimes this looks like a parent paying for a tutor, completing an assignment for their child, or even applying an immense amount of pressure on their child to ensure they always get stellar grades.’

How Parents Can Help Teens Put Down Their Phones

How Parents Can Help Teens Put Down Their Phones

written by Dr. Liz Matheis, posted on Psychology Today

Many of today’s teens spend a lot of time on, with, or near their phones. How many times have you attempted to have a conversation with your child, only to realize that they are only half-listening?

As parents, it can be frustrating, even alarming, to watch our kids being constantly distracted by the notifications that are dinging and popping up on their screens, seemingly making it impossible to focus on any one thing. What’s happening here?

A Failure to Focus

As an executive functioning coach, I find that many of my teen and young adult clients find it difficult to start and finish tasks—often because they are distracted by the notifications that pop up on their phone, or struggle to resist the urge to reach for it when an assignment becomes challenging to complete. In more serious cases, kids struggle not just to start and finish homework but also to take a shower, empty the dishwasher, or do many other tasks that require sustained attention to get through.

These children often have to regroup and try to remember where they left off with an assignment or a task once they are interrupted. As a result, many students and children appear more inattentive, or even unable to focus for longer than a few minutes. Many kids are using their time inefficiently, resulting in a decline in their ability to follow a day’s routine or complete school-related tasks. Oftentimes, this results in later bedtimes and a great deal of fatigue in the morning and throughout the day.

How to Talk to Your Teen About Mental Health

How to Talk to Your Teen About Mental Health

posted on optum.com

Mental health is an important topic anytime, but 58% of teens say the pandemic has affected their mental health.

For some families, talking about mental health may be an everyday occurrence. For other families, it may be a new topic, and it may feel a little awkward at first. But the more you do it, the more comfortable it will feel — for you and your loved ones.

You don’t have to go it alone. Use these five tips to get started.

Five tips before you talk

If you need help starting the conversation, keep these five tips in mind.

  1. Remember what being a teen is like
    Teenagers are going through a time of change. They may be getting their first job, learning to drive, hanging out with friends more and spending less time with parents.2 That’s all a normal part of development.At the same time, their brain is still developing. The parts that control impulses and help them make decisions aren’t fully formed.3Social media may also have an impact on teens’ lives. It can make them feel anxious about whether others approve of them, overwhelmed by constant notifications and worried that they’re missing out.4

    Frequent Instagram use for young women is also correlated with body dissatisfaction as well as anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.5

  2. Watch for cues
    Teens may bring up mental health topics on their own. They might mention what a friend is going through or how they’re feeling themselves. It’s important to listen, so you don’t miss these opportunities.
  3. Respect differences
    There’s a good chance you and the teen or young adult in your life will have different opinions about political, social or other topics. While it may be tough, try to stay calm and respect their different views.This can help you build trust and make them more open to talking with you.2 Instead of lecturing, help your teen plan how to make healthy choices about alcohol and drugs, relationships and other topics they’ll face.2,6 
  4. Learn about mental health
    Many people have personal experience with depression, anxiety or other mental health concerns. But for some people, these topics are new. If you aren’t familiar with these conditions, educate yourself before you bring them up. Also, know what signs to watch for.Signs that a person may be dealing with a mental health issue and need help include:7• Feeling sad or withdrawn for more than a couple of weeks
    • Having severe mood swings
    • Worrying a lot
    • Getting into fights with others
  5. Don’t avoid tough topics
    If you think someone may be having suicidal thoughts, ask. If the answer is yes, seek professional help including contacting emergency services. Talking about suicide will not cause it.2Also, don’t shy away from bringing up traumatic events that you may have experienced, together or alone. But watch to see what they’re comfortable with.While some young people want to talk, others may not feel comfortable talking about traumatic situations — or at least not right away. Don’t pressure them.8

The Continued Negative Impact of COVID-19 on our Teens

The Continued Negative Impact of COVID-19 on our Teens

written by Dr. Liz Matheis, published on Psychology Today

KEY POINTS

  • The last two years have had a strong negative impact on adolescents’ mental health.
  • Parents may feel that their children are the only ones who are having a hard time, but they should know that they are definitely not alone.
  • Listen, validate, check in, and seek help if you are not sure how to navigate your child’s struggles.

Moriah Ballingit wrote, “The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is warning of an accelerating mental health crisis among adolescents, with more than 4 in 10 teens reporting that they feel ‘persistently sad or hopeless,’ and 1 in 5 saying they have contemplated suicide, according to the results of a survey published Thursday” (The Washington Post, April 1, 2022).

These are staggering statistics and truly speak to the negative impact of the COVID-19 pandemic that led to the world shutting down and closing for so long. This has been a two-year process of managing a virus that has created immediate, short-term, and long-term effects that we could have never anticipated. As the mandates are lessening and our “world” is “opening up,” our children are more confused, anxious, and depressed than ever.

Building Resilience in Teens

Building Resilience in Teens

written by Ken Ginsburg, posted on parent and teen

Building Resilience

Our parental instincts drive us to protect our children. Given a choice we’d bubble wrap them. But we can’t. We can, however, prepare them to navigate the world. We can support them to develop the character strengths and human connections that allow them to thrive in good times and rebound (maybe even grow) in challenging times. In other words, we can build their resilience.

No Bubble Wrap Needed

Resilience is better than bubble wrap because it is about developing internal strength rather than relying on an external shield. Think of resilience as a process of bouncing back — of rising above adversity. And to do so ideally, with lessons that enable you to better handle the next bump in the road.

It is a mistake, however, to only think of resilience as something that enables us to respond to adversity. The very same characteristics that allow someone to rebound from difficult times will position them to get the most out of life. We want our children to become their best selves, to experience healthy relationships, to make their unique contributions to our communities — to succeed.

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"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"
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