Helping Children and Teens Manage Anxiety
written by Dr. Liz Nissim, published on Psychology Today
There was a time when human survival depended on responding quickly to real danger. If a lion appeared, the body reacted instantly with a racing heart, tightening muscles, breathing quickly, and getting ready to pounce or run.
Today, children, adolescents, and young adults aren’t facing actual lions, but they are having the same physiological response of arousal, hypervigilance, and constant alertness. The brain continues to detect “threats,” even when those threats are psychological, social, or anticipatory. Events such as an upcoming test, a social interaction, a text message from a peer, or not fitting in can create the same physiological responses, nonetheless.
Let’s call the sources of anxiety for our children, teens, and young adults the “perceived lion.” The goal is not to eliminate anxiety, but to help children and teens recognize, interpret, and respond to it in more adaptive ways. A perceived lion is any situation the brain interprets as threatening, even when there is no actual physical danger. The brain does not always distinguish between real danger and anticipated or imagined threat.
For a child, the lion might be walking into school or separating from a parent. For a teenager, it may be a social event, a test, or a social gathering. For a young adult, it might involve fear of failure, rejection, or not meeting expectations.
Step One: Help the Young Person Name the Lion
One of the most effective starting points is helping the child or teen identify what, specifically, their brain is reacting to.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong?” try:
- “What feels like the lion right now?”
- “What is your brain telling you might happen?”
- “What are you most afraid of right now?”
As a parent, you can say:
- It sounds like your lion right now is speaking in front of a group.
- It sounds like your lion right now is having a difficult conversation.
When anxiety is externalized and named, it becomes less overwhelming. It shifts from an undefined sense of dread to something that can be observed, discussed, and worked with. This naming process alone often reduces intensity by creating psychological distance between the person and the fear.
Step Two: Assess the Actual Level of Danger
Once the perceived lion is identified, the next step is helping the young person differentiate between perceived threat and actual risk.
Ask:
- “Is there a real danger to your safety right now?”
- “What is the worst realistic outcome here?”
- “If the worst happened, how would you deal with it?”
The intention is not to dismiss the anxiety or minimize emotional discomfort, but to help re-engage the logical parts of our brain. Anxiety focuses on threat, and asking these questions helps to shift your child’s mindset from emergency to worry or fear, which is much more manageable.
Step Three: Ground, Regulate, Co-Regulate
Even when insight is present, the body often remains activated. This is why physiological regulation is essential.
We can support our children and teens through co-regulation, such as taking deep breaths together, physically hugging or holding hands, and taking deep breaths, physical movement such as walking or even tapping. The goal is to take the nervous system out of panic mode and to feel in control again.
Over time, repeated experiences—“I can calm my body and get through this”—build internal confidence and resilience. We can then teach our kids that the experience of anxiety will peak and fall, and that we are capable of moving through it successfully.
Ultimately, anxiety management in children and teens is not about removing all “lions.” It is about helping them recognize a true threat, rather than a fear of rejection or failure. Instead, our goal is to equip them with the tools to respond and manage successfully.
When we support our kids and teens in naming their fear, evaluating its accuracy, and regulating their physiological response, they are not simply reducing anxiety in the moment. Instead, we are teaching them how to manage big emotions and fears in a way that builds confidence and resilience.
