973.400.8371   Get Started Now!

Parenting

What ADHD Is Not

Posted on

What ADHD Is Not

written by Dr. Liz Matheis, posted on Psychology Today

It’s so easy to have opinions about children, teens, and young adults with ADHD. What we often label as laziness, poor motivation, intentional, and not being able to “just do it” is not those things at all.

In fact, our kids with ADHD have their real struggles and strengths. It is a diagnosis that is often misunderstood and mislabeled. Other adults (e.g., teachers or other parents) who don’t have a child with ADHD (or don’t have the diagnosis themselves) may seem judgmental or criticize us for not being more stringent and practicing more “tough love.” It’s so very easy to judge from the outside.

ADHD is not intentional or manipulation

Children and adolescents with ADHD are often perceived as being able to control their behavior but choosing not to. This is a misperception because hyperactivity and impulsivity happen without thinking — it’s a matter of neurological wiring as well as over- or under-activity of neurotransmitters or neurochemicals in different parts of the brain.

An adult may observe a child with ADHD who is speaking excessively, talking over others, getting up and moving fast when having a thought, asking a great number of questions, or falling off of his or her seat. These manifestations of ADHD are not happening out of a malicious or willful intent to be difficult or disruptive. Within the classroom, that child is not trying to interrupt a lesson or distract classmates.

These behaviors are manifestations of ADHD, just as low insulin is a manifestation of diabetes.

ADHD is not due to permissive or lax parenting

Sadly, parents are often blamed for their child or adolescent’s hyperactive or impulsive behaviors, limited social judgment, or academic struggles. ADHD is not due to parenting. Often, parents attempt to accommodate their child’s weaknesses by creating support in their home and school to help their son or daughter to function at their best. Parents may hear they are being “too easy” or not being “strict” enough. How many times has a parent of a child or teen with ADHD heard, “He needs more tough love”? Well, tough love isn’t going to teach the skills the child needs, but rather it’s going to cause more frustration and likely feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem.

Click here to continue reading

Pros and Cons of Being a Work-At-Home Parent

Posted on

Pros and Cons of Being a Work-At-Home Parent

written by Elisa Cinelli, posted on VeryWellFamily

When I had my baby, I was fortunate to be able to take a year and a half of maternity leave from my job as an elementary school teacher. I wanted to stay home with my little one for as long as possible, so I filled out the paperwork and dove into the stay-at-home mom life.

As it turned out, it just wasn’t long enough. Trying to go back to work did a number on my physical and mental health, and I knew deep down that I needed to be home with my toddler. Not only that, but my entire income went to our nanny, so staying in my job just wasn’t making sense.

I now work part-time from home as a writer and journalist, and it was the best decision I could have made. I took something I was already doing for fun (blogging) and turned it into a way to make money while my toddler was sleeping. Working from home left me able to completely eliminate childcare costs.

Some parents who work from home do what I do—burning the midnight oil and using nap time and screen time to get their work done. Other work-from-home parents have the standard 9-to-5 job, just without the cubicle or the commute. Working from home may or may not necessitate childcare, depending upon the specifics.

Working from home may seem like a dream, but it also has its challenges. It can be difficult to stay focused while at home, especially when your kids are there too. Some people just do better with more of a separation between their personal and professional roles.

Whether or not working from home is the best choice for you depends on many factors. Take a look at the pros and cons of working from home as a parent.

Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist. Do This Instead.

Posted on

Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist. Do This Instead.

written by Linda Esposito LCSW, posted on Psychology Today

Things I found myself saying in sessions this week:

  • “It sounds like there’s no middle ground, and this causes you to alternate between feeling hopeless and thinking that if you just increase the volume and intensity of your communication, your ex will respond favorably.”
  • “Whenever we lose a relationship—no matter how dysfunctional—there’s a sense of mourning. We grieve the lost hopes and dreams and the future we’ll never have with this person. When you’re in the thick of the grieving process, it seems as if you will always feel despondent, even though you know on a rational level that you won’t.”
  • “Parenting is the toughest job in the world. However, single parenting doesn’t have to be as hard as you think. Sometimes there’s a sense of relief that comes from relying on yourself and from not trying to control your children’s rules when they’re not in your physical custody.”

These interactions offer a snapshot of therapy with heartbroken, devastated, and disillusioned single parents following a divorce from a narcissist. Though the stories are different, the theme is always the same:

The concept of co-parenting with a narcissist does not exist.

There is very little research about narcissistic parenting, narcissistic family dynamics, or the effects that this disorder has on children. Complicating matters is the fact that adult children who do seek therapy do not typically identify growing up in a narcissistic household as the presenting problem.

The following strategies can help you redefine your parenting plan and learn to adjust to solo parenting so you and your children thrive.

9 Strategies for Overcoming Parental Narcissism

1. Minimize contact. High-conflict people love to engage in psychological battles. The hidden agenda is to keep you entrenched in the relationship, even years after the ink has dried on the divorce decree. I have seen few dynamics more toxic than exposing a child to constant below-the-belt blows and mental warfare.

2. Establish firm boundaries. Structure in all settings can provide children with a safe, predictable, and secure buffer from insidious psychological damage. The emotional roller coaster a narcissistic parent perpetrates can be even more detrimental to a child’s healthy ego development than overt abuse.

3. Avoid feeling sorry for your child. Nobody deserves to grow up with a selfish, self-absorbed adult, but there are worse plights. Showing pity for others only perpetuates a victim mentality and prohibits them from moving forward and seeking healthy relationships of their own.

Click here to continue reading

Book Review: Smart but Scattered

Posted on

Book Review: Smart but Scattered

Review by Deborah Tiel Millard, MA – PEC Office Manager

Does your child have difficulty finishing homework assignments, losing personal items, putting things away and following instructions? If so, your child may have challenges with Executive Function Skills. Smart but Scattered, written by Peg Dawson, EdD and Richard Guare, PhD, is a practical, easily-accessible and well-written parent’s guide to understanding and helping children ages 4-13 who have challenges with executive function skills.

The book breaks down specific executive function skills into two main areas. Those skills involving thinking (cognition) and those involving doing (behavior). Those included in cognition: working memory, planning/prioritization, organization, time management and metacognition. Those included in behavior: response inhibition,  emotional control, sustained attention, task initiation, goal-directed persistence and flexibility. Each of these skills is defined and practical examples are given which help to identify strengths and weaknesses in each of these areas.

Simple quizzes are included, as the authors encourage parents to identify their own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of their children. This helps parents to understand how their own strengths and weakness matter as they work with their child. Once these are identified, the book goes on to teach parents how to do several things: modify the environment, teach skills directly and motivate their children to learn and use these skills.

The book contains a large section on how to help a child complete daily routines. This extensive guide contains ready-made routines, adaptations for specific age groups and challenges a child may have, and checklists parents can utilize. These can be downloaded and printed out for everyday use.

The following chapters focus on each specific executive function skill and help parents understand how the skill develops, has parents rate how well their child currently displays this skill and then gives specific examples with steps for how to help their child build this skill in every day life.

The book finishes with a section that covers how to know when to seek more help and how to work with the schools to help their child with information on how to create accommodations and modifications that address these issues.

As the parent of a child with challenges in these areas, I found this book incredibly helpful. I was able to easily identify both my own as well as my child’s strengths and weaknesses in this area. I also utilize the practical examples, ideas and worksheets on a daily basis as I help my son manage these issues. I’d highly recommend this book to anyone working with children who struggle with executive function skills.

The authors have also written Smart but Scattered books directed to teens and adults. To learn more about the Smart but Scattered books, please click the button below.

 

 

 

Click here for more information

11 Things Parents of Kids with Disabilities Need to Survive and Thrive

Posted on

11 Things Parents of Kids with Disabilities Need to Survive and Thrive

written by Lisa Jo Rudy, posted on VeryWell Family

When you’re the guardian or parent of a disabled child, various aspects of parenting are magnified. Playdates can become complex projects requiring diplomacy, support, and vast quantities of time and patience. Trips to the doctor are frequent, expensive, time-consuming, and fraught with worry. Shopping excursions are likely to result in sensory and emotional overloads for both you and your children.

With so much more to think about, worry about, plan for, and manage, it is paramount that you’re taking good care of yourself.

11 Needs of Guardians of Disabled Children

Here’s a partial list that may sound familiar to parents and guardians of disabled children, especially if they have a disability themself. While these are the top 11, they’re in no particular order.

More Time

Between PTO meetings, helping out with homework, and work deadlines, it can be hard for any parent to find “me” time. Magnify that for parents of children with disabilities who might also have IEP meetings, therapy appointments, and many doctor appointments in the mix.

Add challenges such as driving 50 miles to get to the only dentist who will work with your child’s sensory needs, only to learn that you’ll need to come back next week to fill that cavity… and then driving 60 miles in the other direction because your kid wants to take ballet and the only mobility-inclusive ballet class is on the other side of the county.

And let’s not get started on how the rest of your time is spent working or nurturing relationships with your partner(s), your friends, and your extended family.

Energy Reserves

Not only is it time-consuming to be an advocate for your child on top of parenting, it’s also exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to raise a child, and then add hours a day for driving to out of town appointments, filling out paperwork, reading new studies and research articles, caring for your child during meltdowns and flareups, or cooking special foods for your child because of allergies, intolerances, or feeding challenges.

Toss in the energy required to cope with strangers’ stares, teachers’ “concerns,” and grandparents’ worries, and it all adds up to very few hours of rest.

Money for Critical Expenses

Without taking into account the effects of inflation, a low minimum wage, employment discrimination, and other systemic barriers, the typical costs of raising a child increase if the child is disabled. A multi-income household should be able to earn enough money for a family to live comfortably, but that is not always the reality, and many households are led by one parent or guardian.

Mobility aids, communication devices, medicine, specialist co-pays, and the extra gas to drive to all those specialists—it all adds up. Many parents of disabled kids also wind up cutting back their work hours to be available for their child, thus decreasing their income when they need it most.

Click here to continue reading

Shouldering the Mental Load on Your Own

Posted on

Shouldering the Mental Load on Your Own

written by Adrienne Farr, posted on Parents

Parenting is tough. Worrying about finances, household chores, morning and bedtime routines, child-friendly recreation, doctor’s visits, and everything in between can feel unbearable—for two parents. When this mental load is the sole responsibility of one parent, what’s unbearable can start to feel impossible. Single parents often suffer greatly by carrying the full mental load of these responsibilities.

Right in this moment, my elderly mom and 3-year-old daughter are bickering about a myriad of things, I have no idea what we’re having for lunch and dinner, nor do I feel like cooking. I am behind on work and just want to go to sleep but when I tried to get in a 10-minute nap, my daughter jumped on me and said, “I’m hungry.”

I feel drained, stressed, and neglectful toward not only my mom and my daughter, but to myself, a burden many caregivers feel, especially among the sandwich generation1—but even more so as a single parent. I wish I had someone to help, but I do not. Although I have a unique situation in being the single mom of a toddler and taking care of an elderly parent with Alzheimer’s/dementia, I know from listening to other single moms that they are feeling the weight of the sole mental load as well.

“24/7 with a 3-year-old—it’s like I can’t remember the last time I completed a thought from start to finish without interruption,” says Naomi Nedd, mother to a 3-year-old son in New York. “Sometimes you just want to yell, ‘Geez, let me finish a thought’ or ‘let me wipe my butt.’ But you can’t scream those things at a 3-year-old.”

Adding to the regular everyday stress is being a single parent during a continuing worldwide pandemic.3 “I can’t possibly be the only single parent who has had the thought, ‘Oh my gosh, what’s going to happen to my kid [if I get sick],” says Nedd. She also notes that actually going to work, as stressful as it can be, is a much-needed break. “The parenting during a pandemic—I can’t even describe it.”

Click here to continue reading

How to Create a Successful New Year Plan

Posted on

How to Create a Successful New Year Plan

written by Laura Sue Shaw, posted on laurasueshaw.com

Do you have a plan laid out for the new year? Do you know your priorities and goals?

Even though it may change throughout the year, It’s important to give yourself a starting point to at least start the year on the right foot.

Remember it’s not set it stone! But let’s create that plan that will be the launching point for a successful year.

This is the process I use to make a plan for the new year.

Define your Priorities

What is your focus for the new year? Take time to list out your priorities with pen and paper and rank them in order of importance. Where does God, marriage, kids, family, health, etc. fit into your life?

I like to go through and pick my top 3-5 priorities for this season. Remember, our seasons can change throughout the year. So we’re just establishing what’s most important to us right now.

Fill in Your Schedule

Look at a yearly calendar. What essential commitments have you already made? What important holidays, birthdays, and events do you need to plan around?

Once you have the  major events penned in, you will have a better idea of what kinds of projects and goals for the year will be realistic.

This is where having planner you love really comes in handy. When you find a planner that works well for your life, using it is easier and you end up being more prepared and organized.

8 Winter Sensory Activities for Children with Autism

Posted on

8 Winter Sensory Activities for Children with Autism

posted on Hopebridge

With the winter solstice around the corner, many people are already in holiday mode and preparing for a new year. Some children may not notice or understand the change of seasons, others may be overwhelmed by it, and others may embrace it completely. No matter which side your child falls on, it’s a good time of year to incorporate new activities and learning experiences into their everyday play.

Whether you need ideas for children who are home for winter break or you just want a few easy ways to spice up the season in your back pocket, our Hopebridge Autism Therapy Centers came up with a list of BCBA-approved, autism-friendly sensory activities to introduce children to the sights, scents and sounds of the season.

At Hopebridge, we believe in the magic of learning through play. In addition to making it a key part of our ABA therapy programs, it’s important to bring play to life at home, too. These at-home projects are intended to provide entertainment, education and engagement all at the same time.

These activities are great for children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and sensory processing disorder (SPD), but they can be exciting for neurotypical individuals, too! From toddlers to tweens, these experiments have the opportunity to strengthen self-regulation and help them cope with sensory intolerances.

Before you get started, remember that the best part of sensory activities is the engagement between you and your child. Play alongside them, talk about what each of you are doing and most importantly, have fun with it!

Click here to continue reading

Should I Give Medication to My Child With ADHD?

Posted on

Should I Give Medication to My Child With ADHD?

written by Dr. Liz Matheis, posted on Psychology Today

Medication for ADHD is not some sort of magical solution. Although it may help with improving your child’s attention for longer periods, it will not manage the executive functioning, behavioral, social, and emotional struggles that often walk hand-in-hand with ADHD.

Parents often struggle with this question – should I place my child on medication? The diagnosis itself does not create a clear-cut yes or no answer. Instead, it depends on your child’s profile and which types of activities of daily living your child is struggling with at home, as well as which abilities your child is having trouble with in school.

Hyperactivity, Impulsivity, and Inattention

When children in elementary school are diagnosed with ADHD, it’s not uncommon to see a high level of external hyperactivity and impulsivity. This may look like:

  • Shouting an answer within the classroom without raising his or her hand
  • Intruding or interrupting conversations or activities among peers
  • “Falling” out of his seat
  • Leaving her seat often and sometimes without a clear reason
  • Getting angry or sad quickly
  • Having a low frustration tolerance when things don’t come easily and giving up

Over time, as our children grow into teens and young adults, external hyperactivity and impulsivity turns into internal hyperactivity and impulsivity. That is, although our kids may not be leaving their seats or speaking out of turn, they are now internally distracted with their thoughts and worries. They are not feeling the need to get up and move but instead are restless and fidgety at their desk. They are tapping their pencil, shaking their leg, or twirling their hair.

Click here to continue reading
"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"
- Julie C.
"Dr. Matheis has a remarkable ability to understand the unique needs of her patients and address them constructively. She builds strong, meaningful relationships with patients and their families, encouraging trust and collaboration. When working with my son who struggles with autism-related anxiety, she created an environment in which he was able to calm down and open up to her in ways I had not seen before. She was able to reach him and helped him work through his crisis/problem. Most importantly, she empowered him to move forward."
- N.L.
"Dr. Matheis is amazing. She has tremendous resources and loads of energy. She is not willing to accept anything less than the most effective results for her clients. She made me feel as if my son was her top priority throughout the entire process. I would, without reservation, give her my highest recommendations.  Thank you, Dr. Matheis!"
- Anonymous
"Dr. Matheis has an amazing ability to read kids and connect with them. She has been an invaluable resource for our family over the past several years and has helped us with everything from educational consulting, to uncovering diagnoses as well as family therapy. Working with Dr. Matheis never feels clinical and most importantly, our children love and trust her. We can not thank you enough Dr. Liz!"
- Anonymous
"My teenage son had been seeing Dr. Matheis through his senior year of high school, as he was only diagnosed with ADHD at 16 years old.  Dr. Matheis came highly recommended from our pediatrician and she has done wonders for our son as well as our family, navigating new ways for him to deal with his diagnosis without the use of medication.  She taught him ways to organize himself and even when something did not work for him, she patiently continued teaching him new ways to keep himself on track.  She has also helped us as parents to understand how his mind works so that we did not continue to blame his lack of focus on him, rather on his unique way of thinking.  Thank you Dr. Matheis!!!!"
- LG
"Dr. Liz is the best! Our family was directed to her by our Pediatrician to assist with figuring out severe mood changes, severe anxiety, strange new fears and food aversion that had come onto one of our children literally overnight. After just a couple of visits, she suggested that the issues may actually be rooted in a physical issue and suggested we immediately take our child to be swabbed for strep, because Dr. Liz suspected PANDAS (a pediatric autoimmune disorder brought on by strep). The same Pediatrician that suggested Dr. Liz would not do the swab (they do not believe in PANDAS and we no longer go there) but I took my child to my doctor who did the swab and it was positive for strep. When our child went on antibiotics, within 24 hours all symptoms went away and our child was back :-) Dr. Liz then recommended a PANDAS specialist who helped us and our child is in complete remission and is happy and healthy. We are incredibly grateful to Dr. Liz for her knowledge of all things, even the most remote and unusual and for helping us so much! Thank you!"
- Anonymous
"The various psycho-educational testing Dr. Liz conducted on our son gave us critical clues about where his learning strengths and weaknesses lie so that his needs could be better addressed at home and school. Moreover, because of their warm, kindhearted personalities, both Dr. Liz and her associate, Stephanie, formed an immediate bond with my son. He eagerly looks forward to his weekly therapy sessions. We are so lucky Dr. Liz came into our family's lives when she did! For stressed-out families trying to help their children as best they can, she is a calming voice of reason!"
- Anonymous
"Thank you, Dr. Liz. Although we have told you countless times, it will never feel enough. You have listened when J could barely speak and continued to listen when he was sad, angry and confused. You've challenged him and directed us in our roles as parents. You've helped J face his fears while the list evolved and changed, and yet you've stayed committed to 'the course.' We pray that your children realize that time away from them is spent helping children learn and that vulnerability is a sign of strength and bravery."
- June I
"My son was admitted to an Ivy League school when only 2 years ago, you assessed him and saw his struggles, his Dyslexia. We are grateful that he no longer has to carry that deep feeling of inadequacy or shame that must have kept him so self conscious and from reaching his potential. He has the PERFECT program for him. He has A's in high math and economics. He became a Merit Scholar, a Boys State legislature, the HEAD captain of the football team and help a job ALL while studying and managing his classes and disability. I am PROUD of you, a young doctor, who knows and sees the vulnerability of children and helps them recognize "it's NO big deal" God bless."
- Anonymous

Learn More About Dr. Liz!

Subscribe to our Mailing List
Psychological and Educational Consulting Logo

513 W Mt Pleasant Ave, Ste 212,
​Livingston, NJ 07039

Visit my Psychology Today Blog

Where to find us

I don’t know where I’m going