Parenting Young Children Archives - Page 4 of 6 - Psychological and Educational Consulting

Books to Teach Lessons

Posted on March 20, 2019March 4, 2020

More than ever, we are inundated with children’s books about persistence, social-emotional learning (SEL), empathy, kindness, mindfulness and learning disabilities, just to name a few.

How does a parent sift through the quality ones and delete the fair to middling ones from your Amazon cart?

Before I started writing this blog, I logged into my Amazon account to view all of the great books that I purchased over the last few years that left a long-lasting impression on the children that I enjoy reading with. It was a difficult decision to pick just a few; there were so many to choose from. The majority of my book recommendations teach a valuable life lesson to youth and come highly recommended from one of my favorite teachers, Nancy Siegel. They are not ranked in any defined order; I love them all equally.

The Junkyard Wonders
By, Patricia Pollaco
Theme: Finding out who you are, believing in yourself and trying to find your place. Learning to accept who you are.
This book is about persistence and working through your hardships. The main setting is in a classroom; the students in the class are referred to Junkyard Wonders by their teacher.

The Hundred Dresses
By, Eleanor Estes
Theme: Teasing, bullying and perspective taking.
An enduring book about the moral dilemmas of childhood, empathy and standing up for others. It takes place mainly in school and classmates tease a young girl for being poor.

A Walk in the Rain with a Brain
By, Edward M. Hallowell
Theme: All brains are different. We all have strengths; we all learn differently. Self-Awareness. Recommended for children that are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
This book discusses the anatomy of the brain. The main character in the story, Lucy takes a walk with a “brain,” and they talk about how all brains are created differently. An empowering book for people with ADD/ADHD.

ISHI, Tips From A Solid Friend
By, Akiko Yabuki
Theme: Friendship
This book is a little gem for all to read. A perfect gift for your favorite teacher or your best friend. Ishi shows you how to be a good friend and what to look for in a good friend.

I Am Peace, A book of Mindfulness
By, Susan Verde
Theme: Finding peace from within.
This book is perfect for reading before bedtime. The calming words and illustrations are sure to put you and your child in a restful state of mind.

What Do You Do With A Problem?
By, Kobi Yamada
Theme: Facing problems and figuring out ways to overcome big and little issues.
This book is about a persistent problem, and the child is not sure how to deal with it. The longer the issue is pushed under the rug, the bigger it seems to get. But when the child finally decides to face it, the problem turns out to be something entirely different than it appeared.

Photo from: Pexels

What Do I Do When My Adolescent Wants to get on Instagram and SnapChat?

Posted on March 6, 2019March 4, 2020

We are blessed to be able to support a local Girl Scout, Hannah T from Parsippany. She is currently working towards the completion of her Girl Scout Gold Award and has chosen to prepare a blog about Cyber Bullying. The goal of her project is to bring awareness to the issue of social media safety and cyberbullying by creating and presenting on the topic, creating posters, and writing blogs and articles. Her hope is to educate adolescents and their parents about the subtle (and not so subtle) hazards of social media by also providing strategies when social media gets ugly (and it will).

When Do Most Adolescents Access Social Media?
Social media is everywhere. Even if you or your child don’t have it, everyone around you and them does. So, even if your child doesn’t have Snapchat or Instagram, the people they talk to and hang out with most likely do, making your child part of the new social media era.

Social media is, in theory, a great thing, made to quickly connect with and contact friends, and share experiences, pictures and thoughts easily and quickly. However, the age at which kids are permitted to use social media sites is 13 years old. This makes it about the time kids are in middle school, finding new friends and seeing where they fit in. Just during this time period in a child’s life, conflicts among their peers arise very easily. From a child sitting with a new group of friends during lunch, or not being invited to someone’s birthday party, these non-essential conflicts can quickly spill onto social media sites. From my own perspective, as a high school student, unnecessary conflicts definitely peak in middle school, which is why kids that age are so susceptible to being cyber bullied, and being cyber bullies.

Start Talking About Social Media, Sooner than Later
If you have a child going into or is already in middle school, between the ages of 12-15, now is the time to discuss their social media use. You can tell them not to use social media at all until a certain age, but they may have already downloaded social media apps without your knowledge or permission. The key message you want to communicate is that having access to social media is a big responsibility.At 13 years old, most kids don’t realize that what they put online stays there forever, even after it is deleted from their profile. Most importantly, they don’t realize that once something is posted to Instagram or Snapchat, it is completely out of their control in terms of who sees it and where the post is sent, even though they are the one who posted it. Other kids can screenshot the post, send it to other people, and can physically take their phone and show other people. I feel that kids fail to realize this because they don’t see the possibilities of that happening. When they download Instagram, they may not be using it with the intent to post things about other people, but instead, they wanted to find out what other friends are doing.Advice To Give Your Adolescent
In my opinion, the best thing to do for your child is simply have a discussion with them, making sure they understand these four major points:

1-Later in life, everyone will still be able to see the things you posted

Later in life, when your child is applying to college or for a job, a standard part of the screening process is to google the name of the potential applicant and see what comes up. Potential employers may and will most likely look through social media outlets, and will be able see what has been posted. And I’m talking about those ‘silly 14 year old pics’ or those ‘silly phrases we made up.’ It’s all there for all to see. Forever.

2-Never say anything on social media that you wouldn’t say directly to another person directly.
Many teens feel that they can say anything since they are behind a screen. What they don’t realize is those words can be hurtful and cutting. They can end friendships or even result in a police investigation or other legal repercussions. Just because your child is behind the screen doesn’t mean her words can’t be seen. In fact, they are seen and heard in an even bigger way than if they had been spoken face to face.

3- Never reply to someone if they are cyber bullying you
If your teen shares with you that he is receiving hurtful or threatening messages, make sure you insist he do not respond. Instead, the best option is to screenshot (or take a picture of) the conversation, and then block the account or number the messages are coming from. It is extremely tempting for teens to respond with something equally as hurtful, but that will just make the problem continue and give the bully a reason to continue texting/messaging your child. From experience, I know that if your child never responds to the messages and simply blocks the number/account, the bullying will most likely stop.

However, if the bullying continues on another social media site or in school, that is when it is okay to encourage your child to should say something along the lines of “Can you please stop?”. By now, the bully won’t be getting the reaction they want out of your child, but if they still continue trying to contact your teen, that is when you should bring the issue to their school’s guidance counselor or principal.

This is another reason why it is vital for your teen not to respond. If the problem escalates to the point where it needs to be brought to the attention of the school, they will see if your child responded. Even if the bully initiated the conversation, the fact that your teen responded will also, in the school’s eyes, warrant a punishment. But, I know from experience that by far, the easiest way to stop a cyber bully is to block the account.

4-Make yourself available to your child
Make a pact with your teen. If anything goes bad, wrong, ugly on social media, they can reach out to you with little judgment and no fault finding. Instead, agree that you will problem solving together. The last thing you want is for your child to go through a tough situation related to social media alone.

As a parent, you can’t keep your kids from the reality of society today, that social media plays a big role in how people meet, communicate, and handle confrontation, but you can help them know how to handle social media correctly as well as the situations it presents.

Photo from: Pexels

Breaking the Habit of Interruption

Posted on March 4, 2019March 4, 2020

Working or parenting children comes with a single guarantee: they will interrupt you regularly. You might be on a phone call, be deep in conversation or trying to cook dinner, children will blurt out and seek attention without paying attention to the situation. Not only is this very annoying, it can become a hard pattern to break. Here are some strategies to help break that pattern.

Think with your eyes
Michelle Garcia Winner (2015) studied that one of the most important social skills is not eye contact, but eye tracking. When we notice what someone is looking at, we can guess what they are thinking about. This is the first step for perspective taking. Often, children are not paying attention to what we are looking at. Which is why they interrupt, they are not aware we are thinking about something else. We can teach them to “think with their eyes” and prompt them with: “What am I looking at?” “What am I thinking about?” To help build this awareness.

What am I reinforcing?
Usually when a child interrupts us, what do we do? We respond to them! And this teaches them that it is ok to interrupt us. We have to be aware of what we are reinforcing and not rewarding an interruption. We also want to be mindful of our family practices and see if that behavior is being modeled.Stop sign
When the child is interrupting us, we can continue to look at what we are doing, make a stop sign with our hand and state “I am looking at ____. I am thinking about ____. I am not thinking about you now.” This helps reinforce the concept of perspective taking. We have to be aware of our tone of voice when using this strategy. If we do not use a gentle tone, the statement can be interpreted as a harsh criticism.

Boredom box
Another tool for our toolbox is. . . to make a tool box! Author Elizabeth Pantley finds creating a “boredom box” helps children handle boring moments. Different activities can be placed in there such as puzzles, coloring books, and toy figures. Giving children activities to occupy themselves will have them interrupt less.Prepare as much as possible
One of the best strategies is to tell them ahead of time when you cannot be interrupted. Children like to have clear expectations in their environment. This makes them calmer, which results in better behavior (Haiken, 2019). By making them aware of what you are doing and how long it will take, they will have a clear standard on when they can talk to you.

Sometimes we need to interrupt
Unfortunately, sometimes we have to interrupt. Which can become confusing for kids! In times of emergency, we expect to be interrupted. This is an important lesson for children. An easy rule is we can be interrupted if there is a fire or someone is hurt.ResourcesGarcia-Winner, M. (2015, February 10). The four steps of social thinking. Retrieved March 1, 2019, from https://www.socialthinking.com/Articles?name=The Social Communication Dance The Four Steps of Communication

Haiken, B. (2019, January 1). Interrupting ages 6-12. Retrieved March 1, 2019, from http:// www.healthday.com/

Pantley, E. (n.d.). 7 positive ways to guide a child who keeps interrupting you. Retrieved March 1, 2019, from https://www.mother.ly/

Photo from: Pixabay

Take Every Precaution: Car Maintenance and Safety Tips for New Parents

Posted on October 15, 2018March 5, 2020

When you’re a new parent, your safety “radar” is always on high alert. Anything that could possibly represent a safety hazard for your child is suddenly magnified. A shoe left on the floor, a screen door that’s slightly ajar, small toys — they’re all matters for concern. As such, it makes sense to pay the same level of attention to a child’s safety in your car. Accidents can happen in the blink of an eye to even the safest, most conscientious driver, so pay extra attention to safety precautions and auto maintenance to minimize the risk of accident while you’re driving.

Car Seat Safety
Selecting the right child safety seat for your little one is the first, most basic step in protecting your child. There are several factors to consider, including size, whether it fits well and snugly in the back seat, and has good safety ratings. It’s a myth that any seat will fit in any type of vehicle — it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation — so pay close attention before entrusting your infant’s safety to a seat that isn’t a good fit. If you aren’t sure, ask someone at the nearest fire department or police station to inspect your seat and help you make any necessary adjustments.

Brakes
No car can be considered truly safe if there’s an issue with the brakes. Well-functioning brakes are crucially important when you find yourself having to stop unexpectedly. Nonetheless, drivers often ignore this vital safety feature unless something is clearly wrong, such as shaking or vibrating or a high-pitched squealing noise is evident when the brakes are applied. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor: Make sure your brake pads are in good shape and replace old ones when they’ve clearly worn down. It’s one part of your vehicle that absolutely must be in excellent condition when there’s a little one in the back seat.

Mirrors
So much of driving safety depends on good, 360-degree vision. That’s why well-positioned mirrors — rear view and on both sides of the car — are so important. Mirrors have a way of being moved or knocked into and thrown out of adjustment, so always take a moment to check each one before heading into traffic. While you’re at it, make sure to install a back seat mirror that lets you keep an eye on a little one without having to move the rear view mirror out of position or take your eyes off the road, which you should never do while driving. Back seat mirrors can be purchased through most retailers, including Amazon and Target.

Alignment, Tires, and Rudimentary Maintenance
It’s a wise idea to have your tires rotated whenever you have an oil change. Many garages will do this for a minimal charge (some for free), so it’s well worth it, especially when you consider the wear and tear tires undergo. Also, pay close attention to your steering alignment and have it corrected if it feels off. These are simple maintenance issues that can make a major difference when you’re in heavy traffic or wet weather — sometimes avoiding an accident comes down to a matter of inches and how well your car responds in a dangerous situation. At times like that, simple maintenance can pay off handsomely.

Just like in your home, keeping a little one safe in your car is all about anticipation and preparation. Stay ahead of regular maintenance issues and be very careful about the booster seat you choose for your child. You can’t be too safe when it comes to your kids.

Image courtesy of Pexels.com

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Suicidality and Our Children

Posted on June 14, 2018March 7, 2020

Today’s youths are immersed in a world that is technological, fast paced, and sometimes, just cruel. A so-called culture of violence is portrayed in video games and echoed in today’s media. Most youth are exposed to music and television which promote the use of drugs and alcohol and present suicide as a solution to problems. Some suggest that 15 years ago there was not as much hostility in the world which exists today.

No age left behind
What we do know is suicide is affecting our youth much more than generations before. Suicide among teens and young adults has nearly tripled since the 1940’s. In two days this month, June 5th and June 6th, 2018, two successful and well-established humans, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, both committed suicide. We often think of suicidality affecting our children and teens, but it affects people of all ages. It affects people who are so anxious or so depressed that they feel that the only way out is to bring their life to an end.
According to the CDC, Suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth between the ages of 10 and 24, and results in approximately 4,600 lives lost each year. Remember Mallory Grossman, a young 12-year-old middle school student who was bullied and brought her life to an end on June 14, 2017? Suicidality knows no age.
Suicide does not discriminate, but some groups are at higher risk than others. Boys are more likely to go through with suicide. Girls, however, are more likely to report attempting suicide and expressing suicidal ideation than boys.
A nationwide survey of high school students in the U.S. found Hispanic youth were more likely to report attempting suicide than their black and white, non-Hispanic peers. Moreover, The Office of HIV/AIDS Policy on Bullying and Teen Suicide reports that gay, lesbian, bisexual teens are seven times more likely to have reported attempting suicide than their peers (2010).

The Teen Years
The teenage years can be a tumultuous time for many young people and their caregivers. Teens are balancing peer relationships, academics, body image, emotional instability, bullying, and not to mention developmental and hormonal changes. All issues that can prove to be confusing and unsettling for many teens.
As parents and caretakers, there are certain behaviors that are red flag warnings that our children are struggling.

Agitated mood
Unusual anger
Recklessness
Cutting
Sleeping more or sleeping less
Eating more or eating less
Using substances to self medicate
High anxiety
Feeling trapped
Feeling hopeless
Withdrawing from friends and activities
Talking about “what if” they no longer existed or if their life came to an end

Among younger children, suicide attempts are often impulsive. They may be associated with feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, or problems with attention and hyperactivity.
Among teenagers, suicide attempts may be associated with feelings of stress, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, disappointment, and loss. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems.

“13 Reasons Why”
With the release of Netflix’s drama 13 Reasons Why, researchers found a significant spike in internet searches using terms such as “how to commit suicide” and “how to kill yourself” for 19 days following the release of season 1 of “13 Reasons Why.”
Many experts warn that the show is doing more harm than good, and many families who have recently lost their son/daughter to suicide say the show triggered them. On the other hand, many people who support the show and say it raises awareness about the epidemic and loosely portrays the struggles that today’s youth experience. This community believes the show highlights the many layers that influence suicide in young teens, such as: bullying, cyberbullying, underage drinking/drug use, sexual assault, and guns in the home.
If your child has not yet watched this series, it is advisable to co-view the show with them. Co-viewing the show with your child can help you intervene and point out cyberbullying or sexual assault and ask your child if they have experienced this. If your child has already watched the show, take the time to discuss what he/she took away from the show. Discuss reality vs. fiction and how the show gives an unrealistic view of the help available for teens.

How To Talk To Your Child About Suicidality
Despite what was portrayed in 13 Reasons Why, there is always help. Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable issues. In order for help to start, a parent or loved one will need to take notice of the warning signs and inform your child that resources are available. Suicide and depression are difficult topics to have with your young one, but it is imperative that you address the topic often and early on.
Ask your child,

“Are you feeling sad or depressed?”
“Have you ever thought about hurting or killing yourself?”
Do you have a plan, or Do you know how you would hurt yourself?

Many youth who experience depression and suicidal thoughts feel isolated in their feelings and disconnected from those around them. Often times they feel misunderstood by adults, and therefore, rarely reach out for help.
As a parent, if you are open and honest about your feelings, it signals to your child that they feel understood and connected. Be available to have this discussion if it comes up, and try not to use judgment.

Listen but don’t judge
Validate your child’s struggles
Ask your child if he/she would like to speak to a therapist

Reach Out To Your Child’s School Counselor and Teachers
If your child is pulling away from peers and family, involve your child’s school. Inform your child’s school counselor or teacher that you are concerned and ask that they monitor them as well and report any unusual behavior. Sometimes if a child feels disconnected from family they may turn to a school counselor who is an unbiased support. As a parent, you may want to recommend counseling services at your child’s school. In addition, if your school counselor believes your son or daughter may need more help than their scope of practice they may refer your child for more comprehensive services.

By knowing the signs, you increase your ability to open a dialogue that can prevent your teen from acting on his or her thoughts.

Resources:
Gomez, M. (2010). AIDS.gov. The HHS Office of HIV/AIDS Policy on Bullying and Teen Suicide
Suicide in Children and Teens: The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Suicide and Suicide Attempts in Adolescents: The American Academy of Pediatrics

7 Steps to Manage Yourself When Your Child Melts Down

Posted on June 7, 2018March 7, 2020

When kids throw temper tantrums or have meltdowns it can be hard to remain calm. Often, they happen at the worst of times and can make any parent feel upset, embarrassed, or frustrated. More often than not, we react to these melt downs by trying to shut down the situation as fast as possible. However, this type of reaction is often not effective. Although it can be difficult, the key to managing these situations is to not only learn how to manage your own feelings as a parent, but also to teach your children how to manage their own feelings too.

Click Here to Read the 7 Steps!

Helping Children With Aggression

Posted on May 28, 2018March 7, 2020

Kicking! Punching! Hitting! Aggression in children is a natural part of growth and development. Check out some of these tips from handinhandparenting.org to help understand and relieve children’s aggression.

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How Do I Create A Chore Chart For My Kids And What Type Of Chores Are Age Appropriate?

Posted on May 14, 2018March 7, 2020

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All children hate chores – adults hate them too, actually. But inherent in completing these dreaded tasks are skills and emotional messages that are conveyed that go far beyond taking out the garbage or emptying the dishwasher.

With homework beginning to dwindle over the next few weeks, it may be a good time to discuss and plan the chore chart and each person’s contribution to running your house. Although it’s helpful for us as parents to have another set of hands or two helping to take out the garbage or bring in the mail, our children are gaining a lot more than just points or allowance.

A Sense of Belongingness
When you introduce (or re-introduce) the chore chart in your home, you may want to call a family meeting and have a discussion about it. That is, present to your children that you are a team, a family. Each member in the home is an important and valuable contributor to how your house runs. When one person does not do their part, the rest of the system suffers. For example, not taking out the garbage means the cans are full and the odor is not fresh!

Over time, your child will begin to develop a sense of being a part of a community which will easily transfer to the classroom, boy/girl scouts, and sports. You won’t need to discuss the importance of being a team member only, but rather your child will have gained a deeper understanding of what that really means, and what happens when one person doesn’t do their part.

Building Executive Functioning Skills
Another benefit to our children having chores is that they begin to develop their executive functioning skills. A child may think about when they will empty the dishwasher around their homework or sports, for example. A child who is sorting laundry will need to maintain attention to the task, take a look at the clothing, make an assessment and follow through. And the more complex the task, the more executive functioning skills are used.

Stop! Collaborate and Listen
There are many approaches to creating a chore chart, but for me, it’s most important that the maintenance is easy so that the consistency in using it is possible. One easy way to create a system is to have your children create a list of chores that need to be done in the house to keep it running. They can then write those chores on popsicle sticks. Each completed chore can be turned into points or money value. Those points can then be translated into privileges (e.g., ice cream with mommy, movies with daddy, etc)

Each child can have their own jar or can in which they can choose (or can be assigned) 2, 3 or 5 chores per day (depending on age). Once chores are completed, the popsicle sticks go into their “Done” jar or can. At the end of the day, a parent can keep a log of the number of chores completed. Payment or privileges can then be provided at the end of the week.

Make it a collaborate approach. Learning to collaborate is a life skill that will enhance your child’s ability to negotiate and compromise. First, you may be thinking, what type of chores are appropriate for my child’s age.

Which Chores are Appropriate for My Child’s Age?
According to WebMD, the following is a suggested list of chores for your child by age.
Chores for children ages 2 to 3

Put toys away
Fill pet’s food dish
Put clothes in hamper
Wipe up spills
Pile books and magazines

Chores for children ages 4 to 5
Any of the above chores, plus:

Make their bed
Empty wastebaskets
Clear table
Use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs
Water flowers
Unload utensils from dishwasher
Wash plastic dishes at sink
Fix bowl of cereal

Chores for children ages 6 to 7
Any of the above chores, plus:

Sort laundry
Sweep floors
Set and clear table
Help make and pack lunch
Weed and rake leaves
Keep bedroom tidy

Chores for children ages 8 to 9
Any of the above chores, plus:

Load dishwasher
Put away groceries
Vacuum
Help make dinner
Make own snacks
Wash table after meals
Put away own laundry
Sew buttons
Make own breakfast
Peel vegetables
Cook simple foods, such as toast
Mop floor
Take pet for a walk

Chores for children ages 10 and older.
Any of the above chores, plus:

Unload dishwasher
Fold laundry
Clean bathroom
Wash windows
Wash car
Cook simple meal with supervision
Iron clothes
Do laundry
Baby-sit younger siblings (with adult in the home)
Clean kitchen
Change their bed sheets

I bet you didn’t know that there were so many benefits to having a chore system in place in your home, huh? Well, the benefits far exceed a clean playroom or a made bed!